BoomerGirl Diary

By Celia Rivenbark

Over the years, I've sent copies of all three of my books to Oprah and I've never heard pea-turkey-squat back. Don't get me wrong. I never expected to hear anything from O, but I was "putting it out there in the universe" like she's so fond of saying.

Sadly, my universe apparently ends at O's mailroom and I suspect those books never made it upstairs to the Harpo offices, much less into the rarefied jasmine-scented air of O's personal workspace. I never even got the pre-stamped autographed picture of O advising me to "Live Your Best Life!" or some similar drivel.

So, it was with no small amount of skepticism that I watched Oprah's show on "The Secret," about how you can get anything you want by thinking, feeling and acting positively. All I had done was use correct postage.

Watching the panel of "Secret" experts, which included a former drug dealer, a recovering slut, an unemployed film producer and the guy who writes the "Chicken Soup" books, I realized that my negative energy had ensured that Oprah would never read any of my books. My dismal failure to attract O was my own fault. I had turned Oprah into Noprah.

Hadn't I said to the woman at the post office, "Here goes NOTHING!" or "Great. Another $5.47 down the #$%@ drain" when I mailed them to Chicago? According to "The Secret," I should've said to the woman at the post office: "This book is going to be delivered to Oprah Winfrey's hands and she is going to read it and love it and endorse it and soon I will be able to hire a personal assistant and I won't have to stand here and wait in this line WATCHING THE HAIR ON MY LEGS GET LONGER ..." Oops, sorry, that whole positive energy thing isn't really my strong suit.

And, because everybody listens to Oprah and has run out, purchased and is now living by "The Secret" the postal clerk will smile lovingly at me and say, "You're right! Oprah is going to love this book and you are going to have a great life and I am too because now I no longer daydream about plunging the scissors into my husband's ears while he sleeps!"

Well, all righty then.

Bottom line: I am re-submitting my books to Oprah and happily visualizing them flying off the shelves because "like attracts like." I am also reminding myself out loud every day that "I am phenomenal" because I have put positive thoughts into the universe and have become a human vessel filled with gratitude and forgiveness.

Who is going to be really cheesed if this crap doesn't work.

— Celia Rivenbark is a freelance columnist in Wilmington, N.C. She is the author of "Stop Dressing Your Six Year Old Like A Skank." Readers may contact her at celiariven@aol.com or at her Web site, www.celiarivenbark.com.