A political clean sweep
Posted by amazonratz on Feb 12th, 2008
After spending this sunny yet frigid winter morning accomplishing household tasks that, no matter what, refuse to stay done, my husband and I concluded that what Americans really want is a President that will lift us from this misery. Surely American Ingenuity can be brought to bear on the problems that plague the middle-class worker. We sat, exhausted, and imagined the speech:
“My fellow Americans, I know you are tired. You are tired of toiling in vain. You work at your jobs 40, 50, 60 hours a week, and then you come home—to what?—to the same old problems, week after week, month after month, year after year. And you think no one in the White House feels your pain. Well, maybe that was true in the past—but not in the future, the future of America, with me as your President!”
(wild cheering)
“I pledge, to all of you hardworking Americans, that your Saturday morning will no longer be spent trying to figure out how to get that part of the toilet behind the seat but in front of the tank clean. No more lightheadedness as you bend to wipe the grime from the part down by the floor with those funny screw covers. No, no…I say, lift up thine eyes, and see the glory of America, an America with a new deal, a new toilet design. No more will there be TWO pieces of American toilet seats, for I will unite the seat and the toilet chassis as one—one easy to clean unit.”
(wild applause)
“And, furthermore, I will bring together a team, a team of our nation’s greatest scientists. Monies will be spent, energies expended, so that you, the workers, the backbone of America, will not have to replace that little ball and flap thingy in the toilet tank every 4 months, but will instead rest easy on the weekend, enjoying the fruits of your labors in the form of a big-screen plasma. And I pledge, if elected, to find other means of water conservation besides the low-flow toilet, to end the tyranny of the triple-flush!”
(insane crowd noise)
“And, let us not forget, we are a nation of warriors. 64 million of us fight the battle, the good fight, against an enemy of epic proportion. How many times, my fellow Americans, have you left the house in your good black suit, the one you saved, and scrimped for, trying to pull yourself out of the sweatsuit ghetto, only to find yourself covered in dog or cat hair?....Let me see your hands. My Lord, look at all these warriors. Are you winning that battle?”
(NO!)
“Does big government care?”
(NO!)
“Well, that’s going to change. Ladies and gentlemen, I have, for the last four years, chaired a bi-partisan committee, bringing together people from both sides of the aisle to tackle this issue. I have united them in this common cause, and we have worked with our best and brightest young minds to create a global solution. We will, on my first day in office, unveil a new electromagnetic device, one that, when triggered, sucks all pet hair into a small, recyclable, biodegradable container. It runs on junk mail, folks, which is a double bonus. Now, there are still a few kinks to be worked out, in order to safeguard your smaller puppies and kittens, but this device will provide millions of new jobs and end the tyranny of pet hair in our lifetime as we know it!”
(several women in crowd faint)
“So you see, folks, I’m thinking of you. I’m in your corner, and I’m cleaning that corner up. This is just a small portion of my Take-Back-the-Weekend initiative for the middle class. Because instead of cleaning, you could be driving the economy-am I right?”
(Yes!)
“Instead of cleaning, you could be volunteering to help little Johnny read, am I right?”
(Yes!)
“Instead of cleaning, you could be spending time with your elders, your children, and your civic leaders, am I right?”
(Yes!)
“So go home, and put away those mops and buckets. And get out your checkbook, because it’s gonna be a long, dirty campaign trail. Let’s clean it up! Thanks, and god bless.”
(Clean it up! Clean it up! Clean it up! Clean it up!)
Oh, you may say I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one. I just know it.
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