Take the diva dive with pride (and pain)
Posted by Women with something to say on Mar 1st, 2008
By Lori Borgman - McClatchy Newspapers
There are times when you simply need to break out of the mold, raise the bar and swing from a star. You know, use real cream in your coffee instead of that non-fat stuff. End a sentence with a preposition. Leave the drive-through without waiting for your 3 cents change.
Or maybe read Google's instructions on "How to Walk Like a Diva."
What gal can't use a new spring in her step?
You should know that walking like a diva is not for amateurs. It is a complex 10-step process, which is only two steps less than the process for staying sober. By the end of this, you can see how the two directly relate.
Step No. 1 advises that you pretend that your head is being pulled up by a hair on the crown of your head to elongate your neck, lift your chest, and allow your shoulders to fall back.
Word of caution: You'll probably need to move the coffee table and the sofa to have enough room to work.
You should also pretend that there is a string attached to your sternum that lifts your chest toward the sky to hold your ribcage up off of your pelvis. Now pull your navel into your back.
If you catch a glimpse of this contorted stance in the mirror, you may look like a short giraffe with a slipped disc, but don't worry. Keep going - it gets worse.
Step No. 2 says to repeat to yourself: Chin up, neck long, shoulders back, chest out, abs tight, pelvis forward and buttocks tight.
Right. If I could remember all that in my head, I wouldn't have to write down a list of three things I need from the grocery.
The next few steps involves the "slightly's." You should arrange your body as slightly pigeon-toed, slightly knock-kneed and slightly knock-elbowed. Let your arms hang with your elbows bent.
The frightening thing is, I can do this part with ease. Why? Because I have seen this stance every day for the past year at a nearby pond. It is the stance of a Great Blue Heron stalking his prey.
Now, standing with all major body parts thrust counter clockwise, you should rotate your pelvis in vertical and horizontal circles. Now, my pretty, you are ready for the walk.
Walk as if you are walking on a tightrope, allow your hips (the ones now dislocated) to sway (no problem, they won't go back where they belong) and your arms (still bent at the elbows) to swing feely.
Steps 8 through 10 require some serious multi-tasking. Try to appear as though you are walking into the wind. Place each leg directly in front of the other leg, the way a cat does.
For the grand finale, lift your legs boldly in the same manner as a horse trots.
The end result is a diva walk that is something of a cross between Clydesdales pulling the Budweiser beer wagon and Hitler's brown shirts goose-stepping through Berlin.
I take my first diva baby steps to meet the UPS man, who is dropping off a package. He says, "Hello, that must have been some accident you were in," and sprints back to his truck.
I diva walk back to my workstation, clipping the door molding, kicking the back of my computer chair and wrenching both knees. The ads on the computer screen are for a joint surgeon, hip pain and aching legs.
Coincidence? I don't think so, diva.
— To contact Lori Borgman, e-mail her: lori@loriborgman.com.
rvonknorring
at 10:40 a.m.
Hilarious!! I have often wondered "how do they do that??" and now I know. I'll NEVER be a diva as I can't get past step two. Thanks for the (many) giggles!!!