If at first you don’t succeed
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider on Mar 1st, 2008
Deep announcer voice: Good Morning. Journey through the Heartland. Today we meet a young man on a Herculean quest across the City of Angels.
This brave 16 year old from Sherman Oaks remains undeterred.
Call it youth. Call it an ulcer-in-waiting. Call it the audacity of hope.
The lad in question refuses to relinquish his noble mission, even as it begins to mirror a “Twilight Zone” marathon he can’t switch off.
To some, his task appears simple. How hard can it be?
Others see mystical qualities at play. It will happen when it happens.
Yet he remains haunted by two words that trip him up and tear at his soul. Two words that keep that golden ticket out of reach. Those two words?
CRITICAL ERROR.
Left turns. Right turns. Maneuvers he makes daily become fraught with hazard and hesitation. Still, his determination holds strong… despite this on-going debacle.
Oh! There he is now, the young traveler in question, bravely approaching his destination, the Winnetka DMV. He’s been here before. He may be here again. Join us as we torment him with a few pertinent questions.
Announcer Guy: “Back again, eh? Why not just give up and call it a day?”
Young Man: “You mean quit? Sorry. Not my style.”
Announcer Guy: “But isn’t this like your 84th try?”
Young Man: “Exaggerate much?”
Announcer Guy: “Fair enough. Can you at least tell us what seems to be the problem?”
Young Man: “Well, I’m fine until the test begins. I feel good. I feel ready. Then something… weird happens. My brain takes leave of my body.”
Announcer Guy: “And you become —?”
Young Man: “In the words of my people … farklempt.”
Announcer Guy: “This must be tough on your family.”
Young Man: “Yeah, kind of. Each time I come back empty-handed, my father weeps, uncontrollably. And my brother laughs like a lunatic on crack.”
Announcer Guy: “What about your mother?”
Young Man: “My mother hides in her closet and refuses to come out. You can hear her moaning and mumbling.”
Announcer Guy: “Any idea what she’s mumbling?”
Young Man: “It sounds a lot like, ‘Why? Why? Why?’”
Announcer Guy: “Three ‘whys’? She must be very upset.”
Young Man: “No one said raising two boys was going to be easy.”
Suddenly, from deep inside the DMV, a voice calls out: “Now serving number 354 at Window Eight.” The young man turns to go. “That’s me.”
“Good luck!” we call out, wondering when the DMV started selling food.
And with that, he disappears alongside the other seekers who long to call the road their home. Maybe today will be the day he gets his driver’s license. Then again, maybe not. But there’s always tomorrow. And the day after that. Yes, there are more DMVs to conquer. Simi Valley. Van Nuys. Glendale. To name a few.
So keep your eyes on the prize, young man! Don’t despair! Stiff upper lip and other time-honored clichés. Above all, remember this: If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Rest assured, young man, that some day soon you’ll get that driver’s license.
And on that heavenly day, your mother will venture out of her closet, reborn. She’ll do a victory dance on your behalf. But until that day comes, she’s staying put so she can figure out exactly where she went wrong. Because, let’s face it, this whole thing is her fault, anyway.
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