“Late Edition”
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider on Mar 27th, 2008
Most mornings, I’m half-awake when I get up. A jolt of pricey java reboots my brain and like a miracle, I’m able to speak in semi-coherent sentences. At which point my husband and I engage in witty repartee.
“Front page?” I coo.
“Here,” he whispers, rescuing it from beneath his manly elbows.
This is all the foreplay we’re capable of at 7:15. Then I glance at the newspaper to see what fabulous events have taken place since the day before. I already miss Eliot Spitzer. He was fun.
“The Lakers won?” I ask.
“In overtime,” my husband says.
“From all the screaming last night, I thought they lost.”
“They almost did, and then Odom made a lay-up with 9 seconds left.”
“Very nice,” I say.
“It wasn’t last night. It was the night before,” he corrects me, as if I care one way or another.
I take four hits of caffeine and reflect. “Why would the paper wait to report it? That’s just wrong.”
We lean closer and stare deeply at the fine print. My husband notices another disturbing news trend.
“Why are they telling us they re-arrested Sara Jane Olson? We know that.”
I nod in agreement. “It’s so… ”
It’s early. I can’t think of what it is, but I know it’s something.
“Lazy,” he suggests.
I shake my head. No, that’s not it.
“Sloppy?” he says.
Not it, either. And then it comes to me. “Two days ago.”
“We should call and complain,” he decides, handing me the phone.
“Why am I always the one to call?”
“Because you’re nicer on the phone,” he reminds me.
Before I can dial, my husband makes a startling discovery. “Look at the date!” he says.
I look at the date on the front page. Tuesday, March 25. “So?” I ask.
“So it’s Wednesday,” he informs me.
“No, it isn’t,” I insist.
Honestly, I never know what day it is. I just guess and hope for the best. Now he gets that cocky smile of his. He’s determined to convince me.
“David Cook? ‘American Idol’ last night? ‘Billie Jean is not my lover…’ ”
“She’s just a girl who… oh my God! You’re right. It is Wednesday.”
I get it now. They delivered Tuesday’s paper on Wednesday. But why? To freak us out? To mess with our heads? Personally, I’m messed up enough as it is. If they want to push me over the edge, this “Ground Hog Day” maneuver is a good start.
I grab the phone and dial. I’m going to get to the bottom of this vast right wing conspiracy if it’s the last thing I do. But the Daily News operator can’t stop giggling. “Sorry,” she says. “These things happen.”
Not to me, they don’t. Not to my family or my husband’s. This is the first time in (brief mathematical pause) 104 years! Are they trying to gaslight the Schneiders of Sherman Oaks? Well, they won’t get away with it!
A few minutes later, a new paper arrives. Cautiously, I check the date: Wednesday, March 26. I skim the pages. Genealogy newsflash! Obama’s related to Brad Pitt. And Hillary’s linked to Angelina... and Madonna? Oh, I’m loving today’s paper so much. Just to make sure it is today, I check the date again. Still Wednesday. It’s all good. I can go on with my life now. I just hope they don’t try to pull a fast one on me again. I’m not sure my brain can handle it.
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