March 27, 2007
Springtime symbolizes all things new and fresh, and here in my Midwestern neighborhood, signs of spring are everywhere; warm southerly breezes, daffodils peeking their heads out of tufts of fresh green grass, neighbors starting their new work-out regimens with an evening walk or bike ride, paint crews on nearly every corner, preparing to slap on that first coat of primer. But spring, for many, brings challenges, too. For some, the challenge is household landscaping. For parents, the challenge is juggling hectic activity schedules. For baseball coaches, the challenge lies in building a strong roster of players. For me, spring’s greatest challenge is finding the right swimsuit.
During periods of angst, family ties sustain me, so it is no wonder that I stick close to my sister Julie during this difficult time. She has developed swimsuit shopping into a sport all its own, and each year reigns supreme as champion among the masses vying for the crown. While I dread the task as the most deflating downer of the year, she finds the quest rather stimulating.
It is with her help, and through years of experience and personal trials, that I am able to offer this list of swimsuit do’s and don’ts:
Don't volunteer to chaperone your son’s senior trip to Mexico, unless you are ready to put yourself on a five-star beach alongside other moms who are small and fit, and regulars at the local tanning salon.
Do take a support person with you to shop for swimwear, preferably someone who can laugh at the outrageous, cry at the devastation and, if needed, slap you out of moments of hysteria.
Don't wear knee socks and brown loafers when trying on swimwear.
Do look for shops that carry brands specializing in the art of camouflage. Among my favorite brands are Miracle Wear, Wonder Cinch, Super Slimmer, Built More and Bahama Mama.
Don't choose a brand that boasts the use of NASA technology in the construction of the suit’s tummy control panel without the assurance you won’t divert a satellite or cause the Space Shuttle to crash.
Do choose a suit that not only lifts and separates, but that can squeeze, quash, realign and rearrange, as well.
Don't choose a suit with a long-stemmed rose running up the front of one side. I tried that once. By the time I wedged myself into the suit, the rose blossom contorted across my body, beginning at the front midline and ending somewhere under and behind my left armpit. A horticulturist I met on the beach informed me there was not a genus or species on the planet that looked like that.
Do take your time with a suit that fits tightly. Does it really make your eyes look big, or is a blood vessel about to burst?
Don't choose a suit with stencil-like cutouts unless you have the lean frame to pull it off. I once scared myself into a state of panic when trying on such a suit. Running my hand up my back, I detected a lump, which I immediately feared was a cyst or tumor. Upon inspection, and to my relief, I discovered a pouch of fatty tissue poking out of a decorative cutout.
Don't settle for a skimpy, scant cover-up just because you can’t find your size. Most local tent and awning companies specializes in custom work.
Since every spring presents new fashion challenges, I consider the list a work in progress. I know I may never master the game of swimsuit shopping, but with Julie on my team, my chances are greater of conquering the task.
Comments
cathy (Cathy) says...
Very funny, Marcia. I had my own pre-Spring break swimsuit shopping experiece but it was too horrifying to write about.
March 27, 2007 at 10:12 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
LBENDON (anonymous) says...
I was laughing so hard when I read this. I too just went through the absolute shock and horror of buying a new swimsuit!! Reality check -- reality nightmare!
March 31, 2007 at 8:10 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
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