BoomerGirl Diary

For us BoomerGirls, holidays just get more and more complicated. Our lives go on, and we change with those additional experiences and beliefs. But every year, between the media and the stores, we are bombarded from October through January with the Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year holiday season. And the truth is, we may not celebrate some (or any) of those holidays, and even if we do, we and our celebrations may not look anything like all those commercials.

One of the changes that many of us have experienced by this time in our lives is that we have lost significant people in our lives. Some of those losses may be ended or diminished relationships; some may be losses through death. The one(s) we lost might have been a significant other, a sibling, a child, a parent, a very special friend, or a pet — yes those count, too.

So how can we maintain some sanity and physical health while being bombarded with all those public messages and internalized expectations? Here are some strategies:

1. Accept your feelings, whatever they are. Maybe by now you are having some happy times, along with a side of guilt about feeling better. Maybe you feel particularly anxious as the holiday approaches, fearing what it will be like to experience this day without your loved one. Maybe the pain is still excruciating most days. You feel however you feel. The question is — what are you doing? There is no set time schedule for “recovering” from a loss. However if you’re still having difficulty with your life responsibilities a few weeks after the loss, you need some help. If you have close friends or family, that may be enough support — when you let them in. If you need support groups or therapy for a while, use them. Using help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

2. Educate others when that is helpful to YOU. That means that you get to say as much or as little as YOU choose in response to those “Happy Fill-In-The-Blank-Holiday Greetings.” It’s quite fine for you to remind that person, “Actually this is going to be a very tough time for me, because the love of my life died last spring, and this is my first fill-in-the-blank holiday alone.”

3. For the holidays you celebrate, be flexible about how you celebrate while honoring the pain of the loss. Do as little or as much as YOU want to do. It’s generally helpful to do some things differently than you did when that other person was still physically part of your life. The holiday — with or without a celebration — should not be torture. Seriously!

4. Remember those basics — sleep enough, eat healthy, drink healthy (that means limiting the alcohol and caffeine), get regular exercise that’s comfortable for you, and talk to people who care about you.

5. Nurture yourself. Include some special treats for yourself on a regular basis. Listen to music that makes you feel good; use favorite fragrances — perfume, lotion, bath products, incense, candles; read or watch something fun and distracting; start a new hobby; treat yourself (within your budget) to a good haircut, nice underwear, great scarf, massage, cozy socks, dark chocolate — something that feels really good to you.

You deserve to have good days — holidays or not!