BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

My daughter is getting married in August. Her fiancé doesn’t seem interested in the wedding plans at all. Whatever I ask for his opinion, he says, “Whatever you guys want is OK with me.” My sister thinks that this is great, that he is laid back, but I see him as uninvolved, detached, distant. I think this is a bad sign and wonder if he will be uninvolved with their kids, not want to share decisions in their marriage, and all that. My daughter is so wrapped up in planning that I think she is not seeing much else. They have only only dated for six months but seem to be really in love.

Wedding Planner

Dear WP:

Is this your problem or your daughter’s problem? That’s a good place to start. Also, why are you asking him for his opinion and not your daughter?

As a matter of fact, put your daughter on the line ...

Your mom is worried. Are you worried? I’m going to assume that you are a little bit and go from there.

So, first off, what’s the rush? If you have only dated six months and you have even an itty-bitty question in your heart? Give yourselves another year and see what you’re feeling. A lot of “we are really in love” ends up being “we were really in attraction and lust and couldn’t see or think straight.” Or, my favorite: “if I slowed down I might have seen the red flags and I wanted to be married so I didn’t take time to think.”

Next, your fiancé may see this whole wedding deal as your thing, in which he really doesn’t have an opinion or doesn’t see his opinion as worth any argument so why bother. Many men do not care about the flowers or napkins or photographers or any of it. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their partners or want to be married. For them, the wedding itself, the event, is a means to an end and not an end in itself. That attitude can be healthy.

Actually, my wedding was 28 years ago, back in the New Jersey town and church where I grew up. The planning was long-distance, and it would not have happened without my mom’s hard work. I remember going back at Christmas to do it all for a March wedding. My mom had checked out 25 places for a reception. I asked which place she liked best, and after she tried to say it was my choice, and I needed to see at least 10 places, she finally told me. We looked, and we booked it. It took my then-fiancé and I 30 minutes to select a menu (and East Coast weddings involve live music, five-course sit-down dinners, the works), napkins, flowers, decorations, etc. The minor details just didn’t matter that much — we wanted to have a great celebration with our extended families (and the pictures of the conga line prove we did) and to launch a shared life. I left it up to my Mom to pick a band and photographer. I focused on the wedding itself ... the ceremony. Back in Kansas, we wrote our vows, made a tape of favorite music to play in the church before the ceremony. Maybe that makes me weird (for a girl), but it was a day to celebrate the commitment for a lifetime … and the details of the party were not what made it special. Making it good for 28 years, that’s special.

But back to you …

You should be concerned if you feel your fiancé is growing distant. Do you? Are you tracking? He may be feeling less valued as you are consumed with wedding planning. You may have less intimate or relaxed time together. He may be having doubts, and there is no time or room to share them, or he may feel stuck as you are in full-speed-ahead mode and he is not.

It’s time to take a breather from planning. Surprise him with a weekend away. Give yourselves room to really talk. Make it safe for him to share what is in his heart and for you to share your fears and concerns. If he is feeling left out, then find an area where he can be in charge or you can do it together … choosing music, writing vows. If you’re getting all anxious and perfectionistic about the wedding, it’s time to step back.

Oh. One other thing. How involved a man is with wedding plans bears no correlation with how he will be as a dad. That’s a whole different deal.