Friday, August 10, 2007
I hate to say it, but, fellas, you lose.
The Haas Theory of Marriage - that most women who are widowed or divorced after age 50 would like a companion but not another wedding ring - proves correct from California to Florida, from New Jersey to Texas.
"Live close by, visit often" is the song the majority sing.
Out of 493 surveys received so far, 216 (64.9 percent) said they would like a relationship but only 125 want to be married.
More interesting, 198 don't want marriage or a relationship.
Why?
Independence.
"I am in the process of divorcing my husband," one woman wrote, "the thought of trying marriage again goes against every logical thought in my head. I am able to support myself and my two sons..."
Now, before we go any further, this survey and the Haas Theory of Marriage do not make me a bitter midlife woman with no hope of future relationships, as several men suggested in their barbed e-mails to me.
Nor does it mean I'm opposed to marriage or don't see the value in a wonderful relationship. I was married for 25 years to a terrific man who died two years ago. I miss him deeply.
The question asked was would you want to remarry if you were divorced or widowed?
While two-thirds of all divorces after 50 are instigated by women, of course there are those who uphold their vows and value God's presence in their union. That commitment was not the issue.
The survey asked about attitudes toward remarriage after age 50.
But I do take umbrage (I love that word) at the guy who wrote women 45-plus are single by circumstance. "The fact of the matter is," he wrote, "men that are in the same age group would not date women of this age." If he's well-to-do, he'll go for a younger gal, he says, because "men look better with age and women do not."
Sir, why would any woman want to marry you?
And - after children are raised and gone - why would a woman want to remarry?
For the companionship, the intimacy, "knowing that someone always cares about you," having someone to share coffee with in the morning, simply "having a partner and being complete."
Why don't women want to be married?
They don't want to be subservient, they value independence, they have not made good relationship decisions in the past, they feel men want control, they don't want to be "a nurse or a purse."
What colors their decisions?
For many women, watching their mothers' marriages formed their own life opinions.
Many said their mothers were married to alcoholics, to controlling men, to men who would not let their wives show any talents except for cleaning and cooking and "making babies."
This is just a skimming report on the survey, of course. I'll be doing more research and report back to you from time to time.
Meanwhile, if you want to participate in the ongoing survey, go to www.womansage.org and look for "live close, visit often" survey on the left side of the Web page.
Should men and marriage feel threatened? Of course not.
But one conclusion I can draw for sure: a lot of couples need relationship counseling.
One woman left me a phone message, explaining she didn't use a computer.
"I just want to say, I've been married for 47 years and as far as I'm concerned, if I were widowed I wouldn't even want anyone to live close."
Comments
sheshell (anonymous) says...
I am 50+ and divorced (by choice) and have to agree with loving my independence.... Although it is nice to have male companionship from time-to-time, and help with some of the maintenance around the house, it is also nice to know that the man in my life will depart at the end of the evening and go home. I love the feeling of a warm body laying next to me in bed (sometimes), but also love knowing that I do not have to listen to a ball game of some sort droning away in the background while reading my book before turning out the light to go to sleep each night. Life is good..... It is nice to know that I can have the best of both worlds, meaning my independence AND companionship, and having the two balance each other out in a very happy resulting lifestyle. I will say it again.... Life is good!!!
August 10, 2007 at 8:42 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
wisker (anonymous) says...
Well I hate the fact we loose, but I can't help but wonder if the woman might also loose...but that's just me and I'm one of the fellas. Late 50ies, involved for 1 1/2 years now with an incredible woman (50) and absolutely love her. She also does not want to marry and gives for reasons things that reflect your comments. It is our delimma and I'm afraid it could well be our demise. Her mother (70) is also involved with a man she won't marry and I don't want to continue like that. There is something about a marriage that meets needs of mine. I've been married before and divorced. I'm certainly not a husband that wants to control and I have never liked nor been attracted to women who were subservient. I do not want a "a nurse or a purse." What really attracts me to this woman IS her independence...it is a turn on. It feels like we are truely partners without a heirarchical relationship. I want intimacy and involvement that doesn't seem to come with a weekend and vacation romance. At the same time I do not want enmeshment...never have liked clingy women. We've talked about this many times and we've been able to find compromises on other issues, but this thing seems to have no middle ground. It frustrates me but mostly makes me very sad. I could stay with her as is and have this love, but not have the intimacy I really want. Since I'm so damn monogamous, it also means I'll never have the possibility of marriage. OR I turn her loose and regain the possibility, but risk never being able to find another like her. This is my delimma and it just drives me nuts.
I guess I just don't think marriages have to be the way they were...why can't she have her independence while in a marriage with me? Is there something about marriage that prevents women from being independent? Does it change them so much that they can not keep it?
It's a delimma!!!!!
September 8, 2007 at 7:22 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
gigiz (anonymous) says...
The fact is that women who can financially afford to avoid marriage do. This is not only true in the western world but is also increasingly the trend in Asia and Africa. The trade offs involved in marriage are not worth it. I know plenty of women who would rather work a few extra hours in order to buy that 5 bedroom house (I don't know why a single woman would want a 5 bedroom house ) than marry which is viewed as more taxing. They evaluate their options in just such a cold and utilitarian way too. More and more middleaged women who are financially self sufficient are opting to go out with younger men who are generally more willing to accept the equality of women that are older men. When I was 30 I married a man who was 23 and was quite enlightened in most ways but was very jealous and possessive. I found my life was too limited within the confines of marriage and divorced him after 7 yrs. I am now 45 and would not consider marrying again but would consider cohabitation. I am dating a few men- all more than 10 yrs younger which is not unusual these days.I do love men and do find that younger men have a lot to offer but youth alone does not guarantee that they will not be possessive as my situation with my ex husband proves. Realistically, marriage is a dying institution, and this is welcome news for some women; marriage has been romanticized, idealized drudgery for most women. Too many men still believe that if they put a ring on your finger they own you. The next generation of men are far better in this regard than the current generation, but they still have a long way to go. Women should celebrate- and many are- the new freedoms that are available to them. The death of marriage is ushering in the replacement of marriage by something better- relationships based on mutual affection, love and understanding- all the things marriage was alleged to be about but was not.
November 29, 2007 at 8:27 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
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