BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

I saw the little video thing you did on empty nest. But my response is different. I dream about an empty nest. I count the months until I have an empty nest. It can’t come soon enough.

Unfortunately, my kids know it and we have this wall going up. I think I made one too many jokes about “How soon until you get out of the house?” after having to clean up after their friends or pick up their dishes. My husband says it isn’t funny, and that my tone is pretty hostile. I see him as always taking their side whenever I have a difference with them (they are twins, age 17, seniors.)

So, how do I live with a full nest until the nest empties out?

Counting the Months

Dear Counting:

You are certainly not alone. For every mom and dad feeling the blues about their kid leaving, there are others jumping up and down for joy. Many parents feel a sense of relief, like they have their time and life back. It’s not that they don’t love their child, but that a major transition has passed, and they have been ready for the next phase for a while.

However, what you describe is worrisome.

The next year will pass, one day at a time, regardless of how ready you are now for the next phase. And once the day arrives when you are helping unload their boxes in their dorm room, there is no going back. I’d encourage you to try — as hard as it is — to appreciate the time you have left as a "hands-on" mom. We make choices every day as to what is worth nagging about, and what to let slide. Ask: Is this something that I need to teach my child? Or will it be up to their roommates of the future to resolve dirty socks on the floor? At this stage, your kids have internalized, or failed to internalize, most of the lessons you have taught (or failed to teach) whether ethics, morality or how to do laundry. After a point, nagging is like talking Latin to the dog.

Here is the challenge now:

You have one year to convince them that you, their mother, can be relied on and turned to if they are ever in trouble. You have one year left to build a more adult-to-adult relationship. You need to be making memories, being supportive, and trying to have a one-on-one relationship with each person in the family… kids and spouse. Don’t dismiss your husband’s observations, but ask him to talk with you and try to resolve why you feel hurt or angry, like you are on the outside looking in. Put some energy into having couple time, without the kids. Maybe you do have a hostile edge. But just maybe it comes from feeling like the maid, and not feeling valued by him as well as the kids. You could join together by talking about what he wants from this next year, what you want, what you want to do for and as a family.

If there was ever a productive time for therapy, this could be it. Talking through the complexity and layers of your feelings now, rather than waiting a year, could have a long-term benefit for everyone in your family system.