BoomerGirl Diary

Have you noticed that lots of people are taking medications for depression these days?

We are bombarded with advertisements for antidepressant drugs. While these drugs serve an excellent purpose — and they are very much needed by many individuals — don't assume a pill will fix all of your depression.

For example, you might need to address loneliness. Feeling alone and cut off from others can certainly make anyone feel down.

Healthy interaction with other people can revive you in ways nothing else can.

"I work in a cubicle all day long," said a sales manager we'll call Alexis. "My great interaction is with my computer. When I get home, my husband wants to sit quietly and read the paper. He doesn't want to talk!"

Another woman whom we'll call Amanda said she is tired of feeling alone even though she has six or seven good friends who live in her neighborhood.

"The minute I get home, one of them will call to dump her stress on me!" Amanda said. "When I hang up, I'm twice as depressed. I crave company, but I don't know where to turn."

Loneliness can result from these situations, among others:

• You're too good of a listener. Everyone is unloading on you. You're participating in one-way conversations. Your own needs never get addressed.

• You're working too many hours. With your nose to the grindstone, you're not participating in unstructured, idle chat, which is downright good for the spirit.

• You live or work in isolation. Perhaps your home or apartment is located too far from activities you enjoy. Or, your job might involve too much traveling alone.

• Your family is dwindling. For example, your children might have flown the nest. Or, has your spouse died?

Loneliness is epidemic in our society, but few people will talk about it.

Why? For one reason, admitting you're lonely is kind of humiliating.

"Saying you're lonely is like being in sixth grade with no close friends," said a divorced man we'll call Steve.

"You feel like there must be something wrong with you," Steve pointed out. "So, you try to hide the fact you're lonely."

The three of us, in writing this column, talked with people from several walks of life. Among others, we spoke with doctors, accountants, new moms, and college kids.

All groups admitted they get lonely on a fairly regular basis. Age, economics, or personality had nothing to do with it.

When we talked with people who seldom feel lonely, we found that there were certain factors that help any individual.

All of them require that you be very proactive.

Here are some of their suggestions:

Have comforting rituals you do alone. For example, take a walk after dinner every night, or go to a movie by yourself every Sunday.

These activities, which don't depend on other people, make you much less needy. You can nurture yourself at least part of the time.

Lay down some ground rules in friendships. For example, tell your pals, "Let's gripe about our problems for 15 minutes, and then, let's concentrate on having fun."

Create activities to look forward to. Match people to these activities, and remind them to show up for the fun.

For instance, select certain friends for driving in the country and other friends to meet you for lunch twice a week.

If you're older, focus on pets, plants and children. Nursing home directors we spoke with insist that these three things keep lonely older citizens engaged.

"Pets make great listeners and loyal pals," said Emma Troy, director of a nursing home near Erwin, Tennessee. "We have cats, dogs and birds living among our patients. Also, looking after plants helps patients feel alive and needed."

She continued, "With pets and plants, we add a group of lively children from a local school to the mix on Mondays and Thursdays. This creates a home atmosphere, so before long, we've got joy sailing around the recreation room."

A factory supervisor we'll call Ralph told us he was "a basket case" after his divorce.

"I drank myself into oblivion every night," Ralph admitted. "I even made a fool of myself with several women over the phone with all that alcohol swirling through my brain."

A pet and kids ultimately moved Ralph away from his loneliness.

Ralph got involved in watching children play ball in the park, too.

"Going to kids'" ballgames is a great way to feel connected to a community of people," he insisted.

When Ralph volunteered to work the park's concession stand one weekend, he hooked up with two former high school pals who were volunteering there as well.

"When I admitted I was divorced and lonely, my old pals understood and asked me to go boating with their families," Ralph explained.

"I lucked up and met a great dating partner," he said. "She runs the marina and boat dock."

Ralph summarized: "When you admit you're lonely to appropriate people, it breaks down walls. Don't tell everyone in the world you're lonely, however. That's kind of dangerous, inviting craziness into your life. But do share your pain with nice people who might open a few new doors for you."