BoomerGirl Diary

Do you spend lots of time trying to straighten out people - or at least fantasizing that you can?

You know how this goes. You wish your sister didn't talk so much. If she'd stop her 20-minute monologues, you could become real friends.

Or, you'd give anything if your boss didn't talk so much in meetings. This one flaw of hers wastes a lot of everybody's time.

We all know people we'd like to work the kinks out of.

"I encourage my clients to stop doing fixing and start accepting," says a psychologist we'll call Patrick. "We can't enjoy people if we're trying to fix them."

Patrick is right. Life is short, so it's better to focus on developing a realistic relationship with others - and forgo trying to do brain makeovers.

Naturally, in very close relationships, we do have to negotiate for change. With a spouse or child, you must speak up and ask for things you need.

At work, you must naturally steer others to work productively. You can't really let craziness slide by if someone's behavior could affect the bottom line.

But, in a relationship outside your intimate circle, don't bother. You can gain the support and friendship of many people if you embrace their best parts. You can dodge and hide from their quirks.

"I never got a good support system in place until I learned to get the 'good' out of people," says a lawyer we'll call Jed. "I was pompous. I only ran around with other attorneys."

Jed says, however, that he never had anyone to call for real things. He had no one to help him boost his car on a cold morning. He had no pal for a spur-of-the-moment movie.

He didn't, that is, until he started making friends with everyone from the mail carrier to store clerks at his local mall.

"My mailman asked me to join his bowling team," says Jed. "I've never had so much fun. I never did like golf that much."

Jed is wise. When we have a wide variety of people in our circle, we flourish. When you attach yourself to a wide group of friends, you will have connections to all of the people they know.

Your supportive friends can link you up with good babysitters, fishing buddies, or someone to help your child with math homework.

When you start "collecting" people, your world will expand.

"When I got divorced, I had my mother and one close friend to lean on," says a woman we'll call Betty, 55. "Imagine trying to make friends when I work in a factory all day, six days a week."

Betty joined a hiking club that met on Sunday afternoons. She immediately met 30 new people.

"At first, I felt weird," says Betty. "There were college teachers in my group. There were married couples. There were a few men in their 20s. There were no birds of my feather."

Betty says she's hiked for months now with the group.

"I made two very close friends in the hiking group," says Betty. Also, a married couple in our club introduced me to their nephew, so I'm dating now. My boyfriend has introduced me to lots of new people."

By contrast, Betty's one close friend at the time of her divorce still hasn't formed new relationships. She still has only one friend - Betty.

"I can't tell you how aggravating my friend has become," says Betty. "Since she has no one but me, she overloads our relationship. Every time she needs something, she can't think of anyone to call but me."

Betty says her friend finds too much wrong with people. Therefore, according to Betty, she avoids all of humanity.

If you're waiting for perfect people to show up, you're going to have a long wait. Your world will shrink if you're searching for ideal relationships.

Virtually every person you meet will have personality problems, financial problems, in-law problems, or opposite sex issues. But, many can offer something to your life

You can learn to establish boundaries - not letting people overstep their limits with you. This gives you control over every relationship.

Ask yourself about someone, "How close can I be to this person and still feel good about me?"

With some individuals, you can visit five hours. With others, you might chat for five minutes. That's okay.

Relationships that we label as "great" occur rarely in a lifetime. Having many "okay" relationships will fill your cup.

"I'm a single mom with two young children," says a friend of ours we'll call Tina. "Thank goodness, my friends didn't run after my divorce. People often perceive single moms as needy and back away."

Tina has a friend who exercises with her in the evenings, a friend for exchanging babysitting, and a friend who goes with her and her children on overnight trips.

"I try not to ask too much of my closest friends," says Tina. "I try to spread out my neediness and ask for a little help from many people. I don't want to lose the support I have."

To maintain supportive relationships, make sure that others benefit from their time with you. Try to speak and act in ways that say, "I want to boost your spirits and help you succeed in life."

Our relationships will work best when others don't have to change too much for us. They feel comfortable just being who they are - knowing they are valued without having to change.

By limiting your time or activities with each person, you can stay in control and have a wide connection to a supportive community.