BoomerGirl Diary

Some of us thrive on change and embrace it wholeheartedly. We live life at the edge, always ready for a new adventure. Others of us dread change and go ballistic at the slightest variation to our schedule. We view change as threatening and prefer the rhythmic safety of a predictable routine. Where ever you are on this continuum, one thing is certain — change happens.

How you respond to change is a great indicator of how you might deal with retirement, a new career or simply getting older.

Some changes are sudden and unpredictable while others are intended and planned. Changing jobs, going back to school, and choosing retirement are examples of intentional change. This kind of change is generally a conscious decision, anticipated, planned for, and viewed as an opportunity. Divorces, the loss of a loved one, a sudden illness or an accident are examples of imposed change.

Change of this nature often leaves us riddled with doubt, feeling confused, panicked, and out of control. As different as intentional and imposed change may feel they share a common denominator. The common denominator is loss. These losses can include: safety and security, familiar people and environments, networks and resources, power and influence, and expected outcomes.

One woman I spoke with recently had just landed the job of her dreams and wondered why she wasn’t more elated, “I’m doing work I love in a beautiful environment so why do I feel this emptiness — this void? What is wrong with me?”

She missed her old co-workers, the coffee shop she stopped at every morning on her way to work, and the familiar city she’d left behind to accept her new job. What she was feeling was a perfectly normal response to change.

Change, major change, requires death and rebirth. We must die to an old way of being to allow a new way of being to evolve. Beginnings usually involve endings. In order to move forward we must decide what to leave behind. No matter how hard we try it will be difficult, if not impossible, to fit our old life into the new one. We can bring some of the old into the new but not all of it. We have to make some choices, choices that involve letting go of something to make room for something new. Maybe the something we need to let go of is an assumption, a belief, or an image we’ve had about ourselves.

A friend who recently celebrated her 50th birthday shared this story with me.

“I decided to run by Target to pick up a few items on my way home from work. As I entered the store, I glanced up at the video monitor mounted at the entrance to the store. I stopped dead in my tracks, mouth hanging open, wondering what the hell my mother was doing on the monitor. Then I realized it wasn’t my mother I was staring at — it was me! When had I become this old woman? Where was the person I thought I was, the image I held of myself? I couldn’t find her in the woman I saw on the video monitor. I turned around and left the store feeling strangely betrayed."

Many of us have had a similar experience of catching a glimpse of ourselves in a mirror or store window and being startled by the reflection we encounter. We can choose to turn away, deny what we see, and pretend that nothing has changed in the years between 20 and 50. Or, we can accept where we are, who we have become and embrace this new stage of life with a healthy curiosity and sense of discovery. What new opportunities does this new stage of life hold for us? What dreams might be possible now?

Change happens. What works for you during times of change? What tips do you have for others who might be floundering in a sea of change? I would love to hear from you and include your suggestions and sanity savers in my next column.

"Every exit is an entry somewhere else." — Tom Stoppard, American dramatist