BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan,

I am a self-employed, work-at-home woman whose children are away at college. I spent the last two years caring for my mother in our home until she died last October. Now, my elderly father-in-law has come to live with us. My husband thought it was only fair since we accommodated my mother for so long, and I had to agree. I love my father-in-law, but he requires attention 24/7 (Alzheimers) and my husband works every day until 6 p.m., leaving me with most, if not all, of the work. This is certainly not what I'd planned for my "empty nest" years and I'm starting to resent my husband, and my father-in-law, for my predicament (which could go on for years and years.) Of course, the guilt over feeling this way is enormous, too. What can I do? My father-in-law doesn't have a lot of money and, with two kids in college, neither do we.

Homebound and Hopeless

Dear H & H,

This is terrifically difficult and painful situation, and one that many boomers face or will be facing sooner than we think. Most in-home care provided to the elderly in this country is done by daughters and daughters-in-law. I understand what you mean by “only fair”… your husband was accommodating when your mother needed care, and so it is “only fair” that you accommodate when his father needs care. The difference is that you did not expect him to down-size his day-job and assume the majority of the responsibility for the care of your mother. You did that. And, understandably, after two years, you’re probably worn down and need a break from taking care of anyone. Only, instead of a break, you have an even bigger challenge.

So, for starters, lose the guilt. This sucks. It will be hard enough without beating yourself up over your very understandable emotional response. Feeling resentful, frustrated, depressed, angry ... and trapped ... is normal. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your father-in-law. It just means you grasp the implications this has for your own life, plans, goals and happiness.

You ask “What can I do?” which is a very broad question.

First, make sure you have plenty of emotional support and a place where you can safely vent. That might be outside the family. You’ve just lost your mother, you’re overwhelmed, you’re going to have a hard time defining your boundaries ... a little support and guidance wouldn’t hurt here. This is why God created therapy. Get help in making sure that you don’t shelve all your dreams for your “empty nest” years. There is a way to balance caring for others and caring for self.

Next, rather then re-invent the wheel, call your local hospital and health department and ask about support groups for people with family members with Alzheimers. They will have more answers to specific questions then I ever could… as well as help in “working with the system.” Your husband needs to participate as well, if only to appreciate (by hearing from others) how tough it can be to be a care provider.

Meanwhile, a few questions: Does your husband have any siblings? Can they be brought into a discussion about how to best care for Dad, and how to finance that care? You say that Dad “doesn’t have a lot of money,” but what does that mean? Can’t “hire a college kid for 3-4 hours day” or “can’t pay for nursing home care 24/7”? If truly limited, does he qualify for in-home treatment or supports? One of my favorite agencies is VNA (Visiting Nurses Association.) To get started, you will need a referral from your father-in-law’s doctor for an evaluation. VNA will come to your home, evaluate him for services, help you to structure things for a person with Alzheimers, and talk to you about available options for care and support. There are many agencies (some with sliding scale) that provide some in-home services. There are also programs, like day-care, for people with Alzhiemers. Moreover, it makes no practical sense to “save” his resources as they have to be “spent down” for him to ever qualify for state paid nursing home care (which ultimately may be required.) Use the resources now to keep his primary care-taker (that would be you) sane for as long as possible. Plus, if you can make more money working, then someone to be a companion. This doesn’t require skilled nursing, and many college kids would appreciate such a part-time job. You’ll still come out ahead.

You can’t do this alone. Your husband needs to be making decisions and be involved every step of the way. Many men distance when confronted by messy, emotional and complex family issues ... and leave the “details” to their wives. This is a situation where you need to be partners, and in which he takes an active role. This is his parent, his dad. He needs to assume full-care duties each evening for a few hours and every weekend for a day. Unless he does, he won’t understand. If it is truly a team-effort, then you probably won’t feel as resentful ... even thought the reality will still be the same.