BoomerGirl Diary

Okay, so you used to have all this energy in and out of bed. You initiated sex at least half of the time, or at least you were responsive to your partner's suggestions.

One morning you woke up and, low and behold, your libido seemed to have disappeared overnight. Your partner patted your fanny and drew a dirty look from you. A nuzzle at the back of your neck just made you cringe. Thinking of a deep probing kiss made you sick to your stomach. The slightest touch made you start thinking, "Uh, oh, what next"? You started late-night projects to avoid going to bed. Your partner has commented that you seem to have a headache whenever he/she is in the mood. A wall seems to be growing between you, and you don't know what to do about it. Your partner may be getting frustrated or even angry with you.

If you have always enjoyed an active sex life, but now you just don't seem to care anymore, you may feel your body has betrayed you. Worst of all, you want to feel loving and sexual, but you just don't.

Take heart - it doesn't have to be this way. Please listen carefully - some, but certainly not all, women have problems with desire during menopausal years or following a hysterectomy. If you have conditioned yourself to believe you will lose your libido, it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you will. So don't think this way. Plan to be among the thousands of women who don't lose or misplace their desire. If you find yours gone, remember you can recover it.

There are some excellent books on the market. One I recommend highly is "I'm Not in the Mood: What Every Woman Should Know about Improving Her Libido" by Dr. Judith Reichman.

Often it is merely a matter of putting yourself in the mood. You've heard the phrase, "Out of sight out of mind"? The same thing holds true for romance. If you don't think about it or plan for it, you can easily forget it exists. If you want to feel romantic, start by setting the scene. Get the kids out of the house. Take a bubble bath. Wear something sexy. Light some candles. Put on soft music and get ready to seduce your partner.

You don't have to be "turned on" to give your partner pleasure. Sensual touch leading to your partner's fulfillment and orgasm can be a very strong aphrodisiac for you. If it gets you all hot and bothered, then go for it. If not, you can be happy knowing you made your partner feel contented and loved.

Sex toys are readily available in local stores or online. Don't be afraid to experiment and introduce something new and exciting into your relationship. Plain old "vanilla sex" can get boring over the years. Try being inventive and creative and the mood may return.

Please don't be shy about discussing a lost libido with your OB/GYN. Hormones aren't for everyone, but your doctor can discuss their benefits with you. There is no reason why every one of us can’t enjoy some form of sexuality for as long as we live. We are never too old to continue to experience physical love.

Prostate problems for a man are often accompanied by a loss of sexual abilities. For many couples, this means their sex life is totally over because a man mistakenly believes that if he can no longer achieve erections and have intercourse in the manner to which he has been accustomed, then there is no reason to be physically loving towards his partner. Women are known to complain that they aren't ready to be sexually inactive and the man has made that choice for them. The same is true in the reverse if the woman has lost her libido. It doesn't seem fair for the partner to be sentenced to a life of celibacy.

Many marriages have disintegrated and died from lack of touch and intimacy. This doesn't mean that a couple has to continue having sexual intercourse throughout their relationship. It does mean that they need to continue the soul-touching intimacy they find when they are touching and loving each other. Without that component in a relationship, the wall gets more intense between them. Little irritations begin to grow and soon the relationship is in trouble.

If your relationship is headed for "bed death" please think about this column and put some romance back in your life.