BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

I have a hard time just being social with people at work. Like I feel that I need a specific topic to start a conversation and can’t start talking to someone without a reason. Yet I like to talk once things get started, and have really enjoyed and shared with small groups when we have gone out to lunch. It’s like if someone else initiates, then I feel accepted, but I think others may see me as snotty because I rarely initiate. How can I connect more with my co-workers and make some friends? I’m tired of being the kid in the corner not making eye-contact.

Still Shy at 50

Dear Still Shy:

Shyness can be life-long, so be reassured that you are not alone, even at 50. I admire that you are determined and willing to change, and have the maturity to see that others may misinterpret your shyness as "snotty." Many people just get hurt and angry, and fail to understand how they are contributing by their behavior to the “problem.”

Let’s think about how you can reach out to others but, for now, bypassing the particular challenge of starting the conversation. I prefer to start with a strength … like how you enjoy and can engage in conversations over lunch or after others have initiated.

Let’s set one task per week for three weeks. If you do these tasks, there should be a subtle shift in how you feel about yourself and how others perceive you. Nothing momentous, but the start of real change.

1. Feed people and they will respond. If you bring cookies or a veggie platter and leave it in the break room, every time someone takes something they will ask “Who brought the cookies?” … and the answer is you. Which means people will come by your desk to say “Thanks,” and you can tell them it was your mom’s recipe or whatever. It’s just chit-chat but a start. The key here is that you don’t have to initiate with words … just food.

2. Send out an e-mail to a few co-workers asking if they have tried that new restaurant downtown (I’m thinking of a few in Lawrence, but Anytown, USA, will work.) Ask if they want to go next week for lunch one day. Use your words, but writing not having to start person-to-person. Ask if anyone has seen a certain movie … questions that could prompt a conversation.

3. Look at all your projects at work and think about who you can ask for advice or guidance or input. Don’t get bogged down with having to look competent. Ask “What do you think?” and then listen. Say “Thanks. That’s helpful.” In other words, really look for “reasons” to connect. Ask people how they are, and, if appropriate, make a comment, like “You looked a little down yesterday, is everything OK?” Be specific and be sure t make eye contact.

It may be worth talking with a therapist about your shyness. There are books for overcoming shyness that could help you deal more directly with the cognitive beliefs that inhibit your desire to be more spontaneous (go to Amazon, search for Shyness and see what comes up.) AND, there are drugs that specifically treat social phobia which you very well may have. A therapist or your doctor could help in making such a choice.

Be persistent. Don’t try once and give up when no one wants to go to lunch. Your co-workers may see you in one light and it will take time and effort for them to see you in many lights.