BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

My sister is 33, with 2 kids, and a hard-working husband. She, herself, has not had a job in 15 years. Her problem is that she is a self-help junkie. I stopped by a few days ago and she was sitting in the living room reading this new book “The Secret,” which she saw on Oprah and immediately had to go buy. She started to lecture me on how all she has to do is really “see” what she wants and the positive energy will come and the negative stuff (I guess that would be her family and life) will evaporate. Meanwhile, her house is a mess, laundry piled up, and she’s eating another bag of potato chips as she reads. She is always moaning about how how she deserves more from life, running down her husband for not making more money, spending them into debt, while she goes from one “fix” to another as far as “This will be the way and truth that will solve my problems.” I love my sister but that love is buried under a lot of frustration about how she is hurting her kids, husband and herself by not seeing what a good life she has.

Mad Sister

Dear Mad Sister:

Well, your sister obviously does not feel she has such a good life … and is too stuck, scared, depressed and/or anxious to do anything about it other than look for the magic-pill-to-happiness-and-wealth.

I don’t know your sister, or her life-challenges. But I don’t think you will be able to change her by being angry, or through lectures. I don’t know if she has ADD, where she gets started on a hundred different projects and finishes nothing after the initial enthusiasm dissipates. Or if she is depressed, and has been for a long time, and can’t see a way out. Or if she has an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and really does believe that she deserves more without having to work for it. Regardless, she is stuck.

My mother used to say the familiar adage, “The Lord helps those who help themselves.” This may be “the secret” your sister needs to focus on. Positive thoughts are worthless without positive actions and behaviors. Plus, it’s hard to think straight in a really messy home (which is my bias). Good intentions aren’t worth much without some follow-through.

Your sister needs a coach (and I don’t think that can be you) or therapist to help push-pull-drag-challenge-invite her out of the stuck place and into a life where she feels some control, is active and involved, and where she knows what it is she does want. If she can just get started on that road, then I believe that more positive energy will come her way. But as long as she sits on the coach and waits for a miracle, nothing can change, no matter how many books she reads.

... As far as “The Secret,” don’t get me started! It’s voodoo thinking, and seems to promote self-focus, material possessions as keys to happiness, and ignores minor issues like racism, sexism, class, health issues and real life. If bad things happen to you … look at what you did to invite them in. (Yeah, like people want that breast cancer … or rape … or an auto accident.) There is a “do unto others as you would have others do unto you” piece, but it’s generated by wanting good things for self rather than genuine care for others. Or maybe I’m just dense and naïve. I’ll take another look. It must be me and my negative energy that's making me so critical.