Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Sexual infidelity is the headline grabber when most people think about betrayals in love relationships. But, there are everyday breaches of trust that slide under the radar and can erode even the strongest of relationships.
A small lie about a purchase, a slight exaggeration about a job promotion, a cover-up about a forgotten birthday _ each takes a bite out of trust and is a form of cheating. Most of us are disappointed by a love partner as a result of an everyday event far more often than we are made angry or jealous by a serious and dramatic betrayal.
Deceptive deceptions
For example, Jeff maintains his friendship with Glen, an old army buddy, in utter secrecy. His wife, Dorothy, has always disliked Glen and has asked Jeff not to see him. Jeff has agreed but is undeterred. "I find a way," he says. "All Dorothy knows is that I'm working late, running an errand or something. We go for a drink, hang out together, that sort of thing. If I told Dorothy, she would raise the roof, so why aggravate her?"
What else does Jeff hide to avoid confrontation with Dorothy? And what if Dorothy were to discover Jeff's deception?
Kevin and Janice, who have lived together for the past few years, are on the verge of splitting because Janice contends that Kevin "never lives up to his word." Here's what Janice had to say about some troubling events
Heather McKinnon/Seattle Times
"I can't believe anything he tells me anymore. I ask him if he's taken care of the rent for this month and he assures me that he has. The next thing I know, the landlord is calling me and asking me about the rent. Or I ask him to do me a favor. He agrees and then doesn't come through."
Kevin's choice of conveniently "yessing" Janice serves to help him avoid confrontation at the expense of his credibility. Janice justifiably feels cheated as a result of Kevin's lies.
Cheating explained
And what about the love partner who smokes? It's not only about second-hand smoke being a health hazard. One day the smoker is going to get sick. The non-smoking partner will be severely impacted both emotionally and practically. Is the smoker cheating?
When we make a love commitment we become a team, and implicitly, it is also a vow to continue to grow and evolve as individuals.
What about the love partner who is not becoming all he or she can? Is the love partner who is letting his or her appearance deteriorate cheating? What about the partner who is critical, rather than supportive, in hard and not so hard times? And the partner who is slacking in his or her career? Or the partner who doesn't comply with medical prescriptions and health-care suggestions?
All of these breaches will impact the relationship. It's not just about an individual letting him or herself down; in a love relationship it's also cheating the partner.
Subtle cheating
Trust is the bedrock of any love relationship. It is the bloodline of romantic passion. "Subtle cheating" is like psychological termites. Each small bite may go unnoticed, but eventually the foundation will weaken.
Addressing these forms of cheating is win-win. It betters each individual and contributes to relationships being more open, uninhibited and passionate.
Comments
sheshell (anonymous) says...
A small lie about a purchase???? Who among us has NEVER done that? And who among us would say that we cheated because of it? I dare say "not many!" All it amounts to is avoiding an unnecessary argument about something trivial that would just get blown out of proportion anyway...... I'm sure that men do the same thing from time to time. It just helps keep the peace at home.
I am a firm believer in "what we don't know, won't hurt us!" And it goes both ways.
Comments ladies......
June 19, 2007 at 8:48 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
bornin1955 (anonymous) says...
A couple of women I know don't usually stop at one "small lie" about their purchases. They routinely hide their purchases from their husbands, often sneaking them in the house when the men go off to work, hoping they'll never notice. (I'm sure men do this, to, I just don't know any.) I agree that everyone fudges on the truth to keep peace at home but the "small lies" do add up and trust can't help but be compromised at that point.
June 19, 2007 at 9:07 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Suzy (anonymous) says...
Why should a woman be put in a position to lie about what she's spent? Surely one hallmark of being a grownup, which we've all been for many years now, is being responsible for oneself. It would never occur to my husband to ask what I'd spent that day. It's really none of his business. If that question is code for, "I'm worried that we don't have enough money to pay the bills and buy the stuff *I* want," then it's not about the Chico sale at all, is it?
I disagree that failing to live up to someone's expectation is a type of infidelity. We have to buy in too; our partners don't get to just invent the relationship they want and expect us to live within it.
June 19, 2007 at 5:10 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
sheshell (anonymous) says...
I was in a marriage for 20 years where every little thing I purchased was a huge argument/discussion on "when will I have enough....whether it was a pair of shoes I found on sale, or a new outfit for work. BUT - he could buy golf clubs, play golf three times a week, buy new tools that he might use once and never touch again, etc., etc., and those were never a problem to him. Did I ever get on his case for what he bought? No, because I hoped one day it would sink into his thick head that we were both working adults, who earned a good salary, and that we could buy these things that made us happy, and it didn't enfringe on our budget at all. That never happened though.... It was very tiring to say the least, and was just one of many things that brought about our demise. So, was it in my best interest to not let on about something I bought - you bet it was. Would I ever get myself in another relationship where I had to resort to those tactics? never again!!
June 20, 2007 at 7:45 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
bornin1955 (anonymous) says...
I should clarify my last comment, the women I know who tend to lie about purchases or sneak them into the house, do not work outside the home. That's no excuse, I know, but it's not a case of someone who earns a paycheck and still feels as if she has to lie about what she spends. One of the reasons I have always worked is to be able to spend what I want and not have to answer to anyone.
June 20, 2007 at 2:03 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Margo (anonymous) says...
I think 100% honestly is almost as detrimental to a relationship as a pack of little white lies. But, jeez, if you count slacking in one's job or letting yourself go as "cheating"...there's where you've lost me.
June 21, 2007 at 8:37 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Pixanne (anonymous) says...
The one example of "Jeff" not telling his wife he was hanging out with a friend "Glen" because she "had asked Jeff not to see him"
Are you kidding??? hahahaha!! i can't imagine my husband asking me not to see one of my friends. and then me saying "Alright." Right there, there is something wrong with the relationship--more than him hiding out about his friend.
And on the lying about purchases front, I know LOTS of women who do this. the excuses are "my husband has NO idea how much it costs to just live--clothing for the kids, etc...it would upset him so it's a kindness" And sorry, I do tend to agree with that one. I did that when I was married because my ex-husband was a control freak who questioned every purchase I made. And yes, we were both working.
In contrast my mom, who never worked outside the home, was never questioned by my dad about any purchase. i.e. my parents had a better relationship.
So, I would say that these things are not "cheating" per se, but more symptoms of much larger problems in the relationship.
June 23, 2007 at 8:26 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
bornin1955 (anonymous) says...
But isn't that a great opportunity to TEACH the guy what it costs to live - buy clothes, etc.? I don't think it's a kindness, rather an avoidance tactic, although I completely understand the motivation to keep the peace.
I remembered this article yesterday when I was shopping with a girlfriend. She bought a rather expensive outfit (dress and shoes) for a wedding and put part of it on her family debit card and paid the rest in cash. Her reason? "Steve would freak out if he knew I spent this much on one outfit." I bit my tongue.
June 24, 2007 at 10:57 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
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