BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

I’m 53 and my husband is 57. We’ve been married for over 30 years, raised three kids and now have time to enjoy our lives together. The problem is that there isn’t much that we seem to enjoy together. He has his work and friends and hobbies (golf, going to car races, poker) and I have my work and hobbies (book group, church, quilting.) Without the kids at home to feed, I don’t feel like cooking, and he tends to grab a bite and work late three or four nights a week. We used to have fun before the kids came along, just the two of us, but it has been so long ago that I don’t remember what we did. I don’t know if this is just what happens in a long marriage and I should not make a fuss but I don’t want to spend 30-40 more years with a roommate who doesn’t like what I like.

Any ideas?

Bored in Baldwin

Dear Bored:

Well, if you used to have fun together before the kids came along, then it can happen again. Even couples with very different interests can have a strong marital bond and a rich and satisfying intimate life. So, make a fuss, but nicely.

I don’t know if your husband is open to change or a stick-in-the-mud. I am going to assume that he is as bored as you are and would not reject advances on your part to liven things up. First, think about what you used to do when you were younger. Is there anything out there that you could try again? (Yes, sex is always an option — and a good one — for reminding couples of what they can do with each other that they can’t share with their golf partners or book club.)

Treat this as a challenge. The idea is to surprise him, to make him see you through a different lens. No blame, no guilt.

Ask him to meet you for dinner downtown one night. Bring a notebook. Tell him how and why you love him and that you miss the bond you had years ago. It’s time to start dating again. Dates require thought, some planning, and making each other a priority. Many couples find new interests. One couple I worked with joined a health club and started working out two or three times a week and giving themselves rewards for getting fit and losing weight. Another decided to try one new restaurant a week in Lawrence. It’s been six months and they are still going strong. Another couple did dance lessons with Parks and Recreation. One husband told his wife to get in the car and no questions … and took her bowling. It had been 35 years, and it’s not like they’ll take up bowling, but it was the intent that she appreciated. She could see that he was trying. I am a big fan of any and all symbolic “fresh starts,” like a vacation that is different from anything you’ve done before, or a weekend getaway surprise. Shake up the status quo!

What you describe is common, and unfortunate. We start a marriage because we love each other and want to be together. But, over time, the focus is on the children, and the job, and just doing what needs to be done to make it. It’s not that we need to share every interest but we do need to make the relationship, the marriage, as much a priority as golf or "hobbies."

There are many decent self-help books, but for now try “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman (read the whole thing and then extract 5-6 useful pieces) and/or “A Woman’s Guide To Changing Her Man” by Michelle Weiner-Davis (very practical, down-to-earth, funny).