BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Crabby:

I’m 53 and newly divorced. I was married for a long time, and my husband was only my second sexual partner. I am terrified of “getting back in the game,” but I don’t really see myself spending the next 30 years alone, either. What do I need to know in today’s dating/sex world?

Rookie

Dear Rookie:

The game, the game … oh, the game! The “I really like you but I’m afraid you’re a two-timing lying jerk with an STD so could you please divulge your entire sexual history in a way that doesn’t horrify us both?” game. That game?

Sit down, sister this is gonna be a long coaching session. First of all, at 53, you are probably menopausal, so that eliminates one huge worry — pregnancy. This is not true of all your boomersisters, so count yourself lucky. But, there are a number of things you need to think about.

First and foremost is protecting yourself from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Now, back when you were first sexually active, you worried about VD (gonorrhea, mainly). Not too long after you took yourself off the market, we started to hear about a lot of other STDs, like herpes, chlamydia, and HIV. Hepatitis B and HPV (Human Papilloma Virus, some types of which can cause cervical cancer) are around, as is our (very) old friend syphilis.

And you, like any swinging single gal who’s getting some lovin’, are at risk for all of them if you don’t protect yourself. And don’t think that just because you are a “woman of a certain age dating men of a certain age” that it can’t happen. In fact, HIV is increasing rapidly in the over-50 crowd, and older women are becoming infected at a higher rate than older men.

Yikes! It’s enough to make a gal want to put out a “Closed for Business” sign. But we are living longer, and the idea of 30 or more years without sexual intimacy doesn’t appeal to many women. So, here are the things that you need to do.

First, see your health-care provider. Get a Pap smear, and discuss any sexual difficulties you may be having due to menopause, like vaginal dryness, loss of elasticity, etc. She can help. While you’re at it, catch up on all your routine maintenance tasks; vision, dental, mammogram, etc.

Next stop is the drugstore. Get some personal lubricant if you need it, and purchase latex or polyurethane (for the latex-allergic) condoms. This way you won’t be caught without them if the time is right. Although many men are just as invested in safer sex techniques as you should be, some men “conveniently” don’t keep condoms around in order to avoid using them. But you, in your sassy Boomergirl way, will whip those condoms out of your purse, look him straight in the eye, and say, “Here you go, sweetstuff!”

Getting him to use the condom can be a difficult thing, because as men age, they can have more trouble with erections, and the decreased sensation of a condom can exacerbate that. That is a shame, but don’t allow yourself to be swayed by it. Protect yourself.

Ok, so, you’ve found a guy who reminds you of Johnny Depp in "Chocolat," and he’s into you. Now comes the really hard part—discussing your sexual histories. It has to be done, though, and ideally, once the talk has died down, you should probably both get tested for STDs, including HIV. [Unfortunately, there is no test for men for HPV (FYI: this is detected on the Pap in women), so a condom is still the best protection.] Use condoms for the first six months of the relationship after getting tested; then get tested again, and if the results are negative and the relationship is monogamous, you are free to remove the condom and move about the cabin!

Like I tell my younger patients, you want to be sure that you are in an “important” committed relationship before you choose to expose yourself to a potential STD. You definitely don’t want to end up with a health problem from a brief relationship because you didn’t want to “hurt his feelings.” The fact is, even in this age group, you are going to meet men with herpes, HPV, and HIV — the chronic STDs. You may fall in love with one of these men. In some cases (herpes, HPV), you may still want to have unprotected intercourse. But make that decision together with your partner and with your eyes wide open to the risks.

Last, but not least, if you had an unsatisfying sexual life in your marriage or earlier relationships, now is the time to reclaim your sexuality. Women at midlife are often finally comfortable with themselves and are ready to tell a partner what they want and need. Find a partner who will listen, and experience the joy of a fulfilling sexual relationship that can rock your world!