BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

It’s the day after Mother’s Day and, as seems to happen every year, I feel let down. I have friends whose kids make them cards and presents, do breakfast in bed or go out for brunch, make efforts to make it special for mom. I get a “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom… what’s for breakfast?”

I blame my husband for not taking the lead (like I do for Father’s Day) and taking the kids out to get cards or presents, or planning anything. I have two boys (ages 13 and 15), not daughters, which I think also makes a difference. We used to go to my Mom’s for the day, but she died two years ago. For years I made efforts to make it special for her but there is no one to make it special for me.

Taken-for-Granted

Dear Taken-for-Granted:

Mother’s Day is for some Moms what Valentine’s Day is for some singles, or New Year’s Eve for folks without a special someone when that ball drops and everyone is supposed to kiss in the New Year. It can be a reminder that life is not all you anticipated … or desire.

It sounds like you have a variety of issues here. Your mother just died two years ago, and days like Mother’s Day are acute and painful reminders of her absence. That alone would contribute to sadness and difficulty with the holiday.

But it also sounds like you are the “manager” of family events and holidays; you have the skills, experience and habit of making holidays happen. Which is great for everyone else, but not so great when it is your special day. If Mother’s Day in the past centered on your family going to Grandma’s, there is no clear expectation of how to recognize the day for the family. And I am guessing that you were the one who made all the arrangements even then …

What would happen if you had a chat with your husband about this let-down feeling? Tell him what you do to make Father’s Day special (take the kids to get cards, presents, plan a special meal, etc.) Without blame, let him know that it means something to you, and you need for him to take the lead next year. And then, about a month or a few weeks in advance of the holiday, write him a note reminding him of the conversation. Maybe even sit down with him and the boys and share how you miss your mom, how Mother’s Day is hard, and how you need some attention and appreciation for all the work you do. It may take a year or two for them to develop their "holiday" skills, so be patient.

Too often we operate by the myth that “If I have to ask, it isn’t worth it … my spouse (kids, parents, friends, whomever) should know what I need and want.” That is so wrong. Just because we’re family (or friends) does not equate to mind-reading, or the skills to pull off the perfect holiday. It is our responsibility to be clear about what we want and need, to get over the myths and insecurities that block us from expressing what we need (that’s where therapists can come in handy), and to share, without blame and anger, what we feel. And, if it doesn’t work the first time, to do it again, and find creative ways to communicate. Persistence and timing are important.

But for now, for today, here is my suggestion.

Mother’s Day is just an arbitrary day. So, I propose that May 26 or 27 or June 2 or 3 are your own personal “Mother’s Day.” Think about what you would enjoy (and it may not include your kids and hubbie.) How about a picnic at Lone Star Lake with a good book and big soft quilt and pillows to relax on? How about a drive up to Atchison to find a special present for yourself at Nell Hill’s, and then a nice lunch out (this would be best with a girlfriend)? How about an overnight, a girlfriend’s getaway, at someplace indulgent like Lied Lodge (pool, sauna, spa, lovely rooms, good dining, very peaceful) just a few hours up the road in Nebraska City? Or a day right at home where you don’t do anything for anyone else? Think about what would be a reward … and give it to yourself.