BoomerGirl Diary

Life question:

I would like to know how a person can get unstuck in grief. My sister died a year ago and I still feel paralyzed with sadness, especially every time I see her kids who appear to be doing well. I suspect it might be time for professional help, but don’t have a clue how to find someone good. I’m not a joiner so groups won’t do.

Life support:

I’m very sorry for your loss of your sister. Clearly that relationship was very important to you, and so it makes sense that you still experience grief. What concerns me is your sense that you feel stuck, even paralyzed, a year after her death. If that is accurate, it’s not good.

By this time in our lives, each of us brings a wide range of experiences and beliefs about death and grieving to the experience of a loss of a loved one. Unfortunately, those beliefs may include some common and unhelpful misconceptions.

We may be offered medications — sleeping pills and/or antidepressants — by the doctor we see or a well-meaning friend with some extras. Work environments rarely allow more than a few days off, then expect us to be back to work as usual. The message with the meds and from work is “get over it.”

The idea of “stages” of grief implies that it’s a path and you keep moving forward til you get to the destination. But that’s just not how it works. The process is more accurately described in these words from George Eliot, “She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.”

When a loved one dies, it is natural for us to experience some painful emotions; some changes in our behaviors such as sleep, eating, and concentration; and some thoughts and questions about how and why this happened. The intensity of those feelings and changes should reduce over time. Still, a significant loss changes us forever.

There is no one-size-fits-all timetable for our grief. However, if it’s more than a few weeks past the loss and we are struggling with our basic responsibilities, we need help. That’s the time when we “lean on” our personal supports, just as we have been there for those people in times past. Friends; family, however you define that, and your faith community, if you are part of one, can help.

When needs are bigger than what you and “your people” can meet together, it’s time to use more types of help. Some of us, even much to our surprise, greatly benefit from bereavement support groups. Some are readers — and find comfort in reading how others have managed to live, and even experience happiness again, after a significant loss. Some find amazing support and encouragement o-line, reading about grief and participating in online communities. Some have times of the day or night when calling a crisis line, and talking to that caring and skilled listener, is the exact right thing to do.

And some of us will benefit from therapy with someone experienced with helping people heal from the excruciating pain of the loss of a loved one. To find such a person, start by asking “your people” for suggestions from people you know. Look for names in phone directories. You can call a crisis line and ask for local referrals.

As for who you actually see, I recommend starting with a licensed mental health professional who is willing to have at least a brief meeting with you — by phone or in person - so you two can determine whether you are likely to be compatible. A therapist can be highly skilled, but if you don’t feel the connection that will allow you to trust her/him, it’s not going to work.

As you continue in your grief journey, remember your sister’s life, not just her death. Talk about her, look at her pictures, remember the times when she really pissed you off, the times when you were so proud of her, the times when you really pissed her off, and the times when she was so proud of you. Will you cry at times? Sure. But you’ll also smile at times. Because she’s your sister and you love her forever.

Some readings recommended recently by friends:

"The year of Magical Thinking," Joan Didion, 2005

"When Bad Things Happen To Good People," Harold Kushner, 1981 — from a Judeo-Christian perspective

Books and workshops by Harold Ivan Smith — from a Christian perspective

Books and workshops by Alan D. Wolfelt