Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Alicia Lahti knew that people viewed her 23-year marriage as happy. And why not? Her husband was "a wonderful man," she said. Together they built a home and careers, traveled and raised two "brilliant kids," now 17 and 21.
So relatives and friends were shocked when, a year and a half ago, 46-year-old Lahti asked for a divorce. "I loved my husband, but I was not in love with him like you should be in love," said Lahti of St. Louis Park. "It was very hard to tell him. Society teaches us to be a good mother, good wife, to stay together for the sake of the children. But it's OK to move forward."
A growing number of women seem to be drawing the same conclusion. Although the first-time divorce rate has been declining since the 1970s, and now hovers just under 50 percent, there's been an unmistakable increase in the percentage of midlife women like Lahti doing the asking. A study commissioned by AARP in 2004 revealed that nationwide, women in their 40s, 50s and beyond now initiate 66 percent of divorces. More than one-fourth of their husbands, the study reported, were stupefied. Never saw it coming.
"I am a divorced father who was simply dropped by his wife," e-mailed Curtis from St. Paul, who asked that his full name not be used to protect his children. His "past" wife, as he calls her, has moved away and he does not keep in touch with her. "There was no drug, alcohol, infidelity or abuse reasons. She simply said that I was 'boring' and 'spent too much time with the kids.' This is the most common scenario in the majority of divorces. It's not neat and clean like pro-divorce people want to make it out to be."
While "boring" may make some wince, it's not far from the reasons many women give for leaving. Physical and emotional abuse, infidelity and substance abuse are still high on the list, but women more often speak about simple unhappiness, lousy communication and loneliness.
Facing decades of good years ahead of them, financially healthy and not constrained by the stigma of divorce that kept many of their mothers married, they make the leap.
A year ago, Karol Thompson, 58, called a divorce lawyer after "hanging in there" for 16 years of power struggles and difficult stepfamily dynamics. "Inside, you still care about what people think, but you have to be true to yourself," said Thompson, a Minneapolis mother of two grown children.
The decision was not easy. She's living off credit cards, she said, and looking forward to getting on track financially. She's moved from a beautiful lake home with gardens and loons to a small apartment. Sometimes she fears what the future holds for a woman nearing 60. But she feels that she did the right thing. She is reconnecting with girlfriends, attending plays, learning photography and doting on her grandson.
"I'm just trying to get those voices out of my head," she said, "and enjoy the quietude."
While many men are blindsided by their wives' departure, many women say they sent out signals for years. In the AARP study, about one-third of women 50 and older said they began thinking about leaving at least two years before they did it. One in 10 women thought about it for a decade or longer. "I never talked to people about issues in my marriage," Lahti said. "I held everything in. That was terribly wrong."
The problem may be in how women send signals, said Neil Chethik, author of the new book, "VoiceMale," featuring men's candid opinions about marriage, sex and housework. Women like to talk it out, he said, which is difficult for many men who are not as well-trained in the face-to-face emotional approach. "Men resist and resist and then the woman stops pushing it. Frankly, that's when I say to men, 'Watch out.' When she turns off, it's not that she's forgotten. It's that she's started to give up on the relationship."
One reality for men, Chethik discovered in his research, is that marriage is often good enough for them. "But women feel like, if it's not very good and growing and getting better, it's not good enough."
Still, not all divorces are initiated enthusiastically. Some women, particularly in high-income couplings, may feel pushed to petition for the split, to take back control after a husband announces he is leaving her for someone else. Deirdre Bair, author of "Calling it Quits: Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over," calls this "CEO-itis: If he's going to ditch me, I'm going in there to get mine first."
That doesn't mean that these women aren't devastated. Aside from the emotional toll, some older women have never balanced a checkbook. Kent Peterson, a certified divorce financial analyst in Waverly, Minn., said that 90 percent of his clients seeking financial advice prior to divorce are women. "Most are over 40 because, at that point, they have significant assets to protect and divide. Once they understand how this can be OK, they feel they can move ahead with confidence," he said.
Bair's research, which included interviews with 184 women and 126 men from their early 50s to 80s, supports the finding that women are generally the instigators, and not just in the United States. "All of a sudden, it's women in record numbers all over the world," Bair said, including Australia, New Zealand and Switzerland. In Germany, "it's an epidemic." The biggest reason, she said, is "emotional distance. (Women) said, 'We just didn't have anything in common; he never showed me any affection, or a compliment or a birthday present.' They just didn't want to be a part of that relationship anymore."
Men leave for many of the same reasons, she said. They fall out of love or into love with someone else. They're tired of doing what others expect of them.
Not all make the dramatic leap to divorce. Bair said she was stunned by the number of couples in her research she calls "divorced while married." These couples, she said, "live separate lives within the same house. They eat meals separately and have separate bedrooms. They have separate friends and separate activities but, when the kids come home or company comes in, they pretend they're together and everything is just fine."
While women who do walk sing the praises of freedom, many men left in the lurch quickly get down to the business of recoupling. In the AARP study, more than 80 percent of men in their 50s had a serious, exclusive relationship as quickly as two years post-divorce. (And despite their cry for freedom, 75 percent of women did, too.)
Lahti and her former husband (who politely declined to be interviewed) divorced using the more amicable approach of collaborative law. The process was completed in under two months. After a year of "learning to love myself and becoming whole again," Lahti said, she's slowly getting back into dating.
Even though it was a "respectful divorce," Lahti said it wasn't easy on anybody in the family. Her son lives with her, but he sees his dad whenever he wants.
"If he wants to be with his dad on Christmas, I say, 'Go. Have a good day.' In the long run, it's a blessing for everyone," Lahti said. "I sure hope that, if (my children) are in a relationship or marriage that is not loving and joyful, they will have the courage to move on in a respectful way."
Comments
Margo (anonymous) says...
Wow, is this ever true in my experience. LIfe is too short to "hang in there" with someone who makes you unhappy. Women don't have to be trapped in bad marriages anymore, which is why many of us make the decision to leave. It isn't easy but it's better in the long run for many of us.
May 30, 2007 at 7:12 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Theresa (anonymous) says...
Whatever happened to "til DEATH do us part"?
May 30, 2007 at 3:18 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
LeeNYC (anonymous) says...
Women's life expectancies were much shorter-childbirth wiped us out either in truth, by death, or just from exhaustion after endless pregnancies and loss of children to childhood diseases. My grandmother had 14 children. The first 3 died in the influenza epidemic of 1919. Only seven lived to adulthood. She didn't have time or the emotional energy to think about happiness or fulfillment in old age.
May 30, 2007 at 10:33 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
rvonknorring (rvonknorring) says...
My comment is for theresa and others who believe in "till death do us part". I was married in front of family, friends, and GOD, in my childhood church. I was in it for better or worse AND till death do us part.
I was sad, lonely, depressed and miserable, but "hung in there" due to my vows.
In therapy to find out how to deal with my husband's unfaithfulness and my guilt for wanting to end the marriage, but couldn't....because of "my vows"...the wise therapist suggested I look at my vows differently.
Rather than till death, as one of us literally dying....it was suggested I look at it until the death of the relationship.
IT was dead. I had done ALL I could and didn't feel like wasting any more of my time and efforts on a dead in street.
I hope everyone can give their ALL to a relationship but also I hope they know when you just can't give any more without hurting yourself.
May 31, 2007 at 12:27 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Theresa (anonymous) says...
My comment was more about people divorcing because they'e "bored." Relationships become stagnant, then you work on them and they get better. let's say we take out the "til death do us part"from the vows...we still have "for better or for worse".... I completely understand leaving when a spouse cheats on you, and I certainly don't blame you for that. But I know, for a fact, that there are plenty of marriages that break up due to one partne'rs boredom, which is fine if there are no children involved. But when there are, it is tragic for everyone and it sends the wrong message to kids about commitment.
May 31, 2007 at 1:58 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
amazonratz (anonymous) says...
I do think that people leave to look for, (or perhaps think that they have already found) something different, something exciting and fulfilling. Problem is--let's do the math--if >50% of all marriages end in divorce, and the #1 reason is emotionally distant, cold, uninterested men, (who are then thrown back into the dating pool) what are the odds of women, esp women over 40, finding someone who meets those needs for fulfillment? I am not opposed to divorce, although I do agree some don't give marriage enough effort. I do feel that women in particular, should be prepared to be happy on their own, as the men out there may just be: "Husband, part deux."
May 31, 2007 at 3:01 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
lostinthe70s (anonymous) says...
Divorce has become an easy out for many people, especially people with money. And people with money - I'm generalizing here, I know - tend to get bored more easily because they are not so focused on paying the bills, surviving, just getting by, etc. Men and women are equally guilty of this. But now that women have more money, especially at our age, I am not surprised that they are instigating more of the divorces. I just hope these women are prepared for what is out there, as you said, amazon. Often the grass seems a lot greener until you get out in it.
May 31, 2007 at 4:07 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Colbertlady (anonymous) says...
I have been married to my one and only for 37 years in Sept. We were both in our mid 20's when we took our vows. We are now both retired so we see alot more of each other. He is the best man any lady could ever ask for. He never questions when I want to do something with the girls, but then I let him do what he wants. Before we married, we were living in different states so we really had to trust each other. I just knew from the moment he asked me to marry him, it was a great match. Anyway, I have him trained the way I want him, and I don't want to have to train anyone else. I too think that a divorce is much too easy to come by these days.
June 1, 2007 at 9:56 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
janola (anonymous) says...
I keep thinking of my mother and her story. She divorced my father after 31 yrs of marriage because he could be emotionally difficult for her. He suffered PTSS after WWII and had times when he was emotionally dependent. It sounds trite, but it was difficult. In his good times he was wonderful, and I thought he was a wonderful father, but maybe not always such a wonderful husband. The end result was she remarried once for a few years and that didn't work out and spent the rest of her life regretting the divorce from my dad. She died a year ago and to the last thought she had made a mistake. He was the love of her life even if he was needy.
My story is different, and each of us has our own story. I think it is unfortunate that more women are spending their later years without their life partner, but sometimes things come to a point and a decision must be made.
June 3, 2007 at 7:41 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
sheshell (anonymous) says...
Everyone's story is different... I'm sure more women are happy to be done with their spouses than those who regret their decision to leave them. Speaking for myself - I left my husband after 20 years, and am now happier that I ever could have imagined being. I don't believe that God would want us to be miserable until we die rather than break a promise that was made. I agree with Ronna vonKnorring, consider it the death of that particular relationship. Life is too short to be unhappy if you don't need to be....
June 19, 2007 at 8:59 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Pixanne (anonymous) says...
"Facing decades of good years ahead of them, financially healthy and not constrained by the stigma of divorce that kept many of their mothers married, they make the leap."
This paragraph doesn't accurately reflect the typical divorcing woman, in my humble opinion. Most of the women I know who are leaving are doing it with young children and most are financially devasted by it, self included. I am facing years of poverty for my son and I. Because although I have years of experience in my field, increasingly, companies don't want to pay for that experience and I'm competing with 20 year olds who will work for 1/3 of my salary and can work 80 hour weeks, while I have to leave at 5 because there is no one else to care for the kids. the women I know who are financially "healthy" are staying put in unhappy marriages because they know they would never be able to replicate their standard of living on their own.
Just what I've observed.
June 24, 2007 at 12:28 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
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