BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Crabby:

My legs are starting to look like a roadmap, and they ache at the end of the day. What can I do about varicose veins?

Signed,

AAA

Dear Triple A:

Trebek: “… And we’re back with BoomerGirl Jeopardy! The category is: Varicose Veins.”

Crabby: “Things you can blame on your kids, Alex?”

Trebek: “Right you are Crabby, for $500. That’ll go a long way toward that laser surgery you need. We would also have accepted ‘Things you can blame on genetics!’”

Sad but true, BoomerGirls. Those blue highways you see running up and down your formerly glamorous gams are the result of a combination of factors.

Heredity, pregnancy, obesity, and standing on your feet all the live long day can all contributed to that bag o’ worms on your upper calf. Oh, yeah, and age, but don’t you get tired of me talking about that all the time? Like so many irritating problems (menstrual cramps, PMS, and labor), varicose veins are more common in women than in men. Dang — screwed again!

Our veins have little valves in them that keep the blood moving in the direction it’s supposed to. As we age, those valves, like other parts of us which shall not be mentioned, become floppier, or “incompetent.” The blood is allowed to slip back through, and like a bargain shopper headed to Filene’s Basement, it tends to collect in the lowest point. And unless you are a bon-bon-eating lie-about, that’s the legs. (For lie-abouts, I guess it would be the behind, even worse — so get up, you slackers!) When the blood pools, it causes the vessels to balloon out and become enlarged. Not only do these bulging veins interfere with our ability to wear hotpants, but they can become very achy at the end of the day. In severe cases, ulcers or clots can form in larger varicosities. (By the way, does anyone say "hotpants" anymore? Let’s bring it back — start a hotpants revolution. Viva la hotpants!)

Preventive measures include keeping your weight down, avoiding excessive dietary salt that can cause swelling, avoiding prolonged standing — tell that to your boss! — elevating your legs daily if you can, exercising to help move the blood back to where it belongs, and wearing supportive shoes. And maybe some compression stockings. Thankfully, there are some compression stockings that look like regular pantyhose. We’re not quite ready for the rolled-at-the-knee grannysocks quite yet! Will we ever be? Um ... no.

If you are unlucky enough to have these well-meaning but incompetent veins, treatment is available. But I gotta warn you, it’s probably gonna cost you. Insurance companies like to pretend that this is simply a cosmetic issue.

“Oh, those vain and tiresome women! What do they think we are, made of money? We need to conserve our funds to cover Viagra and hairplugs.”

In extreme cases, with medical documentation of pain or other dysfunction, vein surgery is covered, but you might end up footing the bill if it’s less severe. Treatments include laser surgery, injecting the vein with a strong salt solution to make it scar over (the blood is shunted to other nearby vessels, your body’s DOT at work), scarring the vein with heat from the inside, or removing the vein altogether, through small incisions, occasionally assisted by video technology. The latter procedure is called vein stripping, and is less common than it used to be. Videotaping stripping, however, is becoming more common, but we’ll leave that topic for another time. (“Ladies, make money in your spare time! Become a video stripper!”) Go to a board-certified surgeon, dermatologist or a specialized vein clinic. You don’t want someone who’s only had a weekend course mucking about in your circulatory system.

So good luck, Trippie, and remember, when you’re fighting with that surly teen, be sure to pull up your pants leg and point to that roadmap — “Do you see these veins on my legs? Do you? I got those when I was carrying you. Blood is pooling in my extremities because of you. I gave up hotpants, you ungrateful child — and for what? So you can break your mother’s heart?” And maybe pull a little faint. I mean, blood is pooling in your extremities.

Ok, so that may be a little over the top. But maybe it will buy you enough time alone to put up your feet for a while.