BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan,

I’m having a difficult time letting go of my daughter. She and I have been very close for 23 years and have often called each other “my best friend.” She has confided in me, and I in her, with no holds barred. In fact, there were times when I thought I knew too much about her private life but she seemed not to mind.

We’ve both relished our “open” relationship — especially me, in light of my rather selective relationship with my own mother. Now, my daughter has moved back to town into her own place and has not-so-gently hinted to me that she needs some space. She doesn’t call or IM me every day anymore and though we still see each other often, I get the sense she is holding back.

It makes perfect sense (I never told my mother everything, after all) and I encourage her independence but it feels like a loss and makes me sad. I want to respect her wishes and let her live her own life but sometimes I find myself making an excuse to “drop by” just to check on her. I have a very busy life of my own so please don’t tell me to "get a life." I just want to know how to cope with the sadness of separation.

Sad Mom

Dear Sad Mom,

What a tremendous blessing to have such a close relationship. So many of the contacts I have with mothers and daughters are about distant and superficial relationships, or estrangement and a complete lack of contact. They are harsh and judgmental about each other. But then, I usually hear about problem relationships.

This is not a problem, although your sadness is understandable. It is a loss, and the absence of that daily intimacy leaves a void. But she is ready to launch, even if in the same town, and needs room to make her own decisions, and not turn to you for guidance about everything. If she were in another city, you could not “drop by.” On the other hand, she may also be struggling with the transition and welcome some “dropping by.” How does she seem when you do? Happy? Exasperated? Intruded on? You need to be attuned to subtle clues and not just verbal statements. Follow her lead.

My suggestion would be to back off a little more every week. It’s a weaning process (I’ll spare you comparisons to the other weaning.) No matter how busy your life is, your daughter has played a major role in providing you connection, support and intimacy. You won’t be able to replace her by more busy-ness. Turn to some good friends, or reach out to make some friends who you can feel comfortable enough to call or “drop in” on. Turn inward and journal about your feelings if that helps. But your daughter's need to be more autonomous takes priority over your need to stay as connected as the past.

Most of all, give yourself a very big hug for having managed to nurture such a strong bond. You are the envy of many, many moms who can only wish for such a gift. You may feel sad, but it’s what I call a “good sad.”

As far as coping with the “sadness of separation,” a cruise could help. Of course, my bias is that a cruise is the answer to many of life's little problems.