BoomerGirl Diary

Lifelong Californian Laura Callahan had mixed feelings about leaving her hometown of San Jose to teach at Michigan State in 2002.

It wouldn't be forever, the specialist in Hispanic linguistics told herself, as she prepared to move from her family, friends and, worst of all, her husband of 11 years, Joe Miller, a graphic designer and lecturer at San Jose State University.

Six years later, Callahan, 47, and Miller, 46, are still happily married - and still thousands of miles apart.

"It does get very hard," Callahan says, "but maybe we can do this because of who we are. We have a certain patience."

Now an associate professor at City College of New York, Callahan, like nearly 4 million others Americans, is part of a growing class in a long-distance marriage, says Gregory Guldner, the director of the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships in Corona, Calif.

Maintaining a long-distance relationship has become increasingly common in this age where laborers, academics, servicemen and entrepreneurs flock to regions where opportunity thrives, whether it's to develop an asthma inhaler for a biotech firm or to pick lettuce as a migrant farm worker. The scenario can work for many couples, Guldner says, but it's not ideal for everyone.

Guldner should know. Along with heading the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships, the psychologist and physician, who graduated from Stanford University, leaves his wife annually to serve four months a year with the Army reserve. He was with the 399th Combat Support Hospital in Tikrit, Iraq, last year and will begin a four-month stint in either Iraq or Afghanistan this summer.

Long-distance marriages are quite doable, Guldner says. They are also on the rise: 3,785,000 married people in the United States lived apart for reasons other than marital discord in 2006, up from 3,569,000 in 2005, according to data gathered by the center.

Like any solid relationship, communication and honesty are fundamental components. A couple must trust one another to fulfill an agreement - whether to maintain a home while the other lives abroad or to understand that making 27 phone calls a day is probably going to annoy the spouse rather than strengthen their bond.

Uneasiness over the fear of cheating might scare off some married individuals for even considering a long-distance arrangement, but Guldner says that an out-of-sight spouse doesn't necessarily equal an out-of-mind marriage. Divorce rates are no greater among men and women in long-distance marriages than among those in same-city unions, Guldner says.

"Long-distance relationships are much more like any other relationship than they are unlike them," Guldner says. "If it would work while you are together, it almost certainly would work while you are apart."

There are numerous misconceptions about long-distance marriages, says Caroline Tiger, author of "The Long-Distance Relationship Guide" (Quirk, $14.95). One common assumption is that long-distance dating relationships - there are 15 million Americans involved in them - are the most common springboard for long-distance marriages, she says. The more typical long-distance marriage scenario arises when a couple meets in the same city but is later forced to live apart for a variety of factors, such as school, work or the need to care for an ailing family member.

One of the toughest adjustments that married couples must make when entering into a long-distance arrangement is the disruption of daily routines established while living together. But long-distance marriages also have advantages over long-distance dating.

"There is more security when you are married because you are not wondering who's going to have to move," Tiger says. "That's a major problem with long-distance dating, and it's always hanging over you. At least when you're married, you know that nobody's really going anywhere."

Long-distance marriages are as varied as any other sort of relationship, Guldner says. Some couples arrange to see one another on weekends. Others, who are entrenched in an academic schedule, like Callahan and Miller, sometimes go as long as three months without a visit. When children are in the mix, a whole new set of issues arises.

Over the past decade, Tim Schigel, founder and CEO for ShareThis.com, regularly traveled to Silicon Valley from his home in Cincinnati. When the venture capitalist launched his start-up company in August 2007, his itinerant ways developed a distinct pattern: He began living in Silicon Valley on weekdays and returning to Cincinnati for the weekends. Schigel had officially joined the long-distance marrieds.

Schigel, 40, said that relocating his wife and three children, whose ages range from 11 to 15, wasn't an option, in part because it would disrupt their lives. The more affordable Ohio home prices also kept him from moving the clan to California.

"We have a home that would have cost us millions if we were in the Bay Area," Schigel says. "Our garage is bigger than what we could afford on the West Coast."

Schigel isn't alone - even in his neighborhood. Two fellow residents who live on his cul-de-sac also fly to the Bay Area every week to run their own companies, he says.

"Most business is global, and you have to travel a lot anyway," Schigel says.

No two cases of long-distance marriage, like any two relationships, are identical, Guldner says. Some couples are in frequent contact with one another, while others prefer to compartmentalize their lives. But no matter how they strive to find their own version of marital bliss, statistics show that the success rate is no better or worse than more traditional same-city marriages, he adds.

What a successful long-distance marriage must have is two people who actively map out a clear understanding of what works for each of them, Callahan says.

Tips for long-distance unions

No one said long-distance marriages were easy, but according to Gregory Guldner, director of the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships, they are as successful as same-city relationships.

Here are a few tips from Guldner and other experts on making a long distance seem a little shorter:

• Talk as often as possible, says Caroline Tiger, author of "The Long-Distance Relationship Guide." It's one way to maintain a level of intimacy, even when you're miles away. "Even if it's texting and e-mail and talking on the phone," she says. "What tends to fall away when you're not in the same place is the little day-to-day things that you share with each other, the trivial things that make up the fabric of your day."

• However, all that communication comes with a caveat, Guldner says: The use of the telephone, e-mail, text messaging and other forms can increase misunderstandings. The complete meaning behind a message, without the benefit of facial expressions, hand gestures or body position, can be lost. A spouse can misinterpret a throwaway comment. Don't underestimate the value of personal interaction.

• Develop your own lives outside of the relationship. Establish a routine with work or school not only to ease the longing you have for your absent mate, but to grow as an individual. Stability in other aspects of your life can provide an anchor.

"We're both really committed to the things we do away from one another," says Joe Miller, a graphic design lecturer at San Jose State University who has been in a long-distance marriage for six years. "We're both very busy people - maybe that's what makes it work."

• During your time together, hide tokens of your affection around the house for your mate to discover after you've left.

"That's become a ritual for me when I'm leaving," says Miller's wife, Laura Callahan, a San Jose native and an associate professor at the City College of New York. "I hide something for Joe to find - it might be a fuzzy rabbit coin bank with a note in it, or a really obvious box of candy hearts. I hide them in a place I know he will come across."

• Be aware of how much your spouse is attending to responsibilities you've agreed to share, whether it's taking care of the home or tending to the children, says Tim Schigel, who lives in Cincinnati but works as CEO for ShareThis.com in San Francisco. "There are definitely times when I come home," he says, "and she's like, `OK, you've got the kids.'"

• Lovers living apart worry more about cheating because they are unable to visually monitor their partners. They shouldn't, Guldner says. Couples in long-distance relationships are as faithful as those in same-city relationships.