BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

This is going to sound like a trivial question compared to what you usually get but I’m asking it anyway. How do I break up with my hairdresser?

We go back a long time (several years) and he is my friend. We invite each other to social gatherings and see each other occasionally when we’re out on the town. I want to get another person’s perspective on my somewhat challenging head of hair and do something more modern. Nothing against my old stylist. What he does, he does well. But he doesn’t seem to be up with the times in terms of latest cuts and techniques, etc.

I want to tell him before I bump into him (and I will; it’s a small enough town). What should I say? I know his feelings will be hurt. This feels like a divorce and the old “It’s not you, it’s me” think sounds really contrived.

Any suggestions?

Shaggy Sharon

Dear Shaggy:

No life challenge is trivial, especially not hair.

First, the fact that you are struggling with this means you are a caring and sensitive person. Some people would just walk away and never say a word. Hopefully, your stylist will appreciate that this is not an easy decision for you and not do or say anything to make it harder.

Most professionals in a service industry (and I include myself as a therapist in that group) understand that their clients are not making lifetime commitments. While I have many clients who regard me their “mental-health-family-doc,” to turn to when there is a problem, I encourage clients to work with another therapist if they want a new perspective or if their issue could be better addressed by someone with a different specialty. Many people need different approaches at different times in their lives. Growth often requires change and taking risks. Getting out of your comfort zone is a good thing.

Now, you obviously have a “dual relationship” (i.e. friend as well as client). This complicates your decision. It also means that you have more to lose if he takes it hard. How about a card with a note, telling him how much you value his friendship and work with you over many years, and that, while you want something new in the hair department, you don’t want to lose the friendship? Ask to talk with him.

I thought I’d ask another professional for his advice … Earl, my hair-guy, at Joda and Friends. Earl said that change “comes with the territory.” But he also noted that, “Everyone reacts differently,” (some folks being more sensitive than others.) "It can be hard sometimes, especially with such a long relationship, to not get hurt feelings,” he added. “But if you are ready for a change, then you need to do it.”

You don’t need to assess blame here. No need to say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” because in some ways it is him. And you are so right: it does sound like an excuse, when you don’t need to apologize.

So, you can’t wave a magic wand (or brush) and have no hurt feelings. But you can approach your stylist with respect, and emphasize that you value his friendship, and it should be just fine.

Susan