BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

My son is a senior in high school and has always been a really good kid. But just in the last few weeks he has gotten more distant and almost disrespectful. In some ways it’s like he’s six years old: not bringing his dishes to the sink, not doing chores, really mouthing off. His academics are fine, and it seems to be behavior just at home. He got early admission to a college out-of-state just before Christmas, and he had a mixed reaction to the letter.

Any ideas?

Worry-Mom

Dear Worry-Mom:

Worry is not a bad thing. It tells us that something isn’t quite right, and we need to pay attention to our worry-instincts.

First, any abrupt change with an adolescent’s behavior is worth noticing. Is he sleeping a lot less or a lot more (not that they don’t have 14-hour sleep marathons on some weekends)? Is he hanging out with different friends or has he lost contact with friends? Do you have any worries he is using alcohol or drugs and because he has a "secret" he is making sure he stays distant from you?

Sometimes kids get depressed, or something happens socially, and they can’t find a way to talk about it and just act out. If you have had a good relationship before, I’d just try and have a quiet talk with him. Say that you’ve noticed a behavioral change, and that you are concerned. No accusations, just concern. Ask if has had second thoughts about going away to school, and let him know the decision is his to make. See where that goes.

One thing I do want to add, however, is a part of what I call “Senior-Year Syndrome.” Kids who have good relationships with family find the potential college separation harder than kids who argue a lot with parents. It’s natural. What I’ve observed is that really “good” kids will take on behaviors their senior year that cause friction, as if to make it easier to leave. I’m not sure where I read it or heard about it (if anyone knows the source, make a comment) but parents tell me this works. If your child is acting out at home, instead of reprimanding or arguing back, just say. “I will always love you no matter what you say or do. You are acting this way to make it easier to leave. You don’t have to… you will always have a home to come home to.” And then give him a hug. It’s a lot harder to keep the anger going when met with acceptance and love.

If his behavior deteriorates, and he refuses to talk, and the “I will always love you” is met with scorn and distance, then talk to a professional… with or without your son.

Susan