BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

I’m 55 and my husband died 2 years ago of cancer. We lived in South Carolina, and I was very happy there for many years. But after two years of caring for him, during which I lost touch with most friends, and really missed family, I moved back to Kansas six months after he died. I have two sons in the vicinity, and three grandchildren. But they are all very busy with their own lives, and I don’t see them nearly as much as I’d expected. This past holiday season was terrifically hard, as they went to both daughter-in-law’s side (out of state) and I was alone (to be fair, they stayed with me last Christmas, the first after my husband passed and I did have Christmas dinner with an old friend … but I felt like an outsider.) I have a job but I haven’t developed friends there, and I’m not much of a "joiner."

I thought I’d be farther along in getting my life back by now but it’s like he died a few months ago. Was it a mistake to move? Should I have stayed put where I was happy before? Should I go back?

Stuck

Dear Stuck:

Two years is not that long a time to "get your life back," although it certainly feels long for you. And it’s pretty normal to second-guess your choices. Some grief counselors suggest not making any “big decisions” for at least a year or so, but for many people that is not feasible. You made the best decision you could at the time.

Now, however, is now.

I hear different issues: (1) disappointment that family closeness is not what you expected or hoped for; (2) lack of friendships; (3) less satisfying work; (4) not meeting expectations of where you should be/would be emotionally at this time.

Trying to wade through these alone is quite a challenge. I strongly recommend finding a pragmatic, solution-focused, problem-solving therapist to work with. I also suggest a support group of other women/men whose partners have died.

You need to methodically address each issue to see if changes with each could contribute to an overall improvement in your quality of life. If, after making efforts to change, you find yourself longing for South Carolina, then it would be time to evaluate the pros and cons of a move.

Issue 1: Talk with your sons about how to foster more contact. Ask if there are any behaviors of your part that contribute to the distance and be prepared to listen to what they say. Family life with kids is chaotic these days and so structure (with flexibility) helps. For example, offer to “babysit” one Friday or Saturday a month so more time with grandkids; ask if each family could have a planned dinner 1-2 times a month with Grammy; see how you can get involved with the grandkids activities or schools. If your bring something “to the table” instead of expecting them to initiate (when they have no habit of doing so) this could improve.

Issue 2: You need some new friends. While you may not be a “joiner,” getting involved with groups will expose you to a variety of people… and friendships that can develop. What were your interests? Knitting? Yoga? Pilates? Church groups? Music? Volunteer with court services or local food bank? All of the above? Push yourself to get out and try new things, and within six months you will have some new friends.

Issue 3: Is it the work? The people? Can you find something more gratifying? Are your expectations unrealistic for what work should provide in terms of relationships or do you need to look around for something new? These are decisions best made with a counselor for perspective.

Issue 4: Happiness is the difference between our reality and our expectations. So, a small piece of this dilemma may be that your expectations are pretty high and your reality is not. Go easy on yourself… and appreciate that you’ve been through some really tough years. Make sure you are giving yourself rewards for survival, and that you know what makes you feel relaxed. Are there moments of joy? If so, they need to be fostered. If not, it’s time to look at whether depression (a completely normal response to years of caring for a dying spouse and dealing with grief) is smothering the possibility of joy. Talk to a therapist or your doctor. If medication is recommended, take the advice.

I once had a client who was a compulsive talker. She was caring, warm, wanted friends…. but her compulsive talking drove people away. Once she understood her contribution, she made efforts to change. Only then did her life change as well. I’m not saying you are a part of the "problem," only that all of us need to be aware of whatever we are doing to contribute and what we need to change within ourselves as well as on the outside parts of our lives.

We’ll, that’s about it for now.

Hope that this is a start for getting ‘unstuck.”

Susan