BoomerGirl Diary

Who would think it in an age of huffing and puffing on television and film, but marital sex is vastly overrated.

No, I am not advocating straying from the marital bed for fun and excitement.

But I find it interesting that sex itself may be overrated, according to Susan Yager-Berkowitz, co-author (with her husband Bob Berkowitz) of "He's Just Not Up For It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex and What You Can Do About It," (William Morrow 2008).

About six months to three years after the wedding vows, boredom and predictability start to set it, she says.

They heard from 4,000 men and women, by the way, who filled out a lengthy survey on their sexual relationships. They ranged from ages 18 to 93 with the majority at midlife.

And while they endeavor to help women – and men – understand what's going on and how to correct some desire depreciation (like check his medications), they agree that much of sex-after-marriage is up to the wedded participants.

"The point is the sex drive (after marriage) has to subside," Berkowitz says. "That is biological destiny.

"Instead, there is kind of a Sunday kind of love.

"Sex is never going to be what it first was and people have to have realistic expectations. That understanding gives them a much better chance of adjusting and being happy."

Why does this sound like returning to the 1950s? Because it is.

Maybe because nothing much has changed in terms of marital sex, she says.

With a few exceptions, it simply slows down.

Not that she doesn't think sex is important for a good marriage. It's just that no one besides the individuals coupling can quantify how much sex is good sex – once a day? Once a week? Once a month?

"As we age, we have less sex," Berkowitz says, "And there are rare couples who are happy when there is no sex. And if they are happy then that is fine. A sexless marriage can be great for them."

I hear you. I hear you.

You can't live without sex, right?

Well, a lot of women do.

Men lose interest because they're depressed, angry, tired, or think their partners are fat, the survey by the authors says.

Women talk about erectile dysfunction and Internet porn.

"Let's face it, for too many couples it's same time, same station," Berkowitz says. "If it's predictability and boredom, just talking about it can help to overcome the situation."

I love the concept: "Harry, can we do it on Tuesday night instead of Thursday this week? Just for giggles?"

Or "Mindy, I know it's corny, but could you wear something sexy to bed instead of a granny gown?"

Granted, successful marriages are based on mutual love and respect, shared values, having a good time together. But we all feel guilty if we also aren't randy and raucous. That's so American.

Right? Wrong.

"At best, sex only occupies three percent of your time together," Berkowitz says.

You mean he's got something else on his mind?

Like building a better airplane or composing a great symphony or fostering world peace?

How very...very...ordinary.