BoomerGirl Diary

Is this you?

You may have noticed them sitting at a nearby table in a restaurant. Well-dressed, middle-aged, attractive, the man and woman exchange few words. When they speak, they look past each other as often as they look at each other. They are together, but they don't connect. Most observers would rightly guess they're married and have been for many years. You've seen them. In fact, you and your partner may be them.

Sex without intimacy

Some couples don't make the transition to a deeper level of lovemaking at midlife because one or both of them are afraid of becoming truly intimate with each other. They are together, but they know how to connect only through the genitals. Without recognizing it, they got stuck at the level of hormonally driven sex and are ready to give up on each other now that the wake of the roiling hormones has subsided. Sexual passion isn't dead between them, but it has to be reached through a different path. If they don't find that path, they have few alternatives: boring sex, no sex, changing partners.

Can you sustain the heat?

"When Matt and I got married 25 years ago, we lived in the hot zone," says Beth, 49. "Passion was everything to us. We sustained a high level of pure physical passion longer than our other married friends did, but gradually things began to change for us too around our 10th anniversary. He had the first affair; and then I had one. The excitement generated by the affairs, the tearful confessions and angry recriminations, the dramatic reunions made our relationship hot again, but we couldn't sustain the heat.

Saving your marriage by being open

"Eventually he did the predictable thing. He left me when I was 40 for a woman half his age. Exhausted from being the drama queen, I went into therapy where I learned we could probably have saved our marriage and our sex life if we'd been vulnerable and open to each other. But we didn't; and I've moved on.

Second marriage `emotional' sex

"My second marriage is different, better. We are more connected to each other on all levels than Matt and I ever were. At almost 50 I'm having the best sex I've ever had - and, in my case, that's saying a lot. This time the sex is deeply emotional."

Passion doesn't always predict pleasure

While Beth shared explosive, orgasmic lovemaking in the early years with Matt, some women, with matching passion and equally avid partners, don't have the orgasms. When we envy the very young, we often forget that women in their twenties are less likely to be orgasmic than older women, that men in their twenties are more likely to have problems with premature ejaculation, that both genders have less erotic sophistication than their elders.

The erotic power of intimacy

Beth, easily orgasmic, was lucky, and even Beth says the sex is better now, the second time around in a marriage with a man who shares more than his genitals. What does that tell you about the erotic power of intimacy?

Emotionally disrobing: Necessary for great sex after 50

Being open with a longtime partner should be easy, but it isn't for many people. Years of squelching their anger, denying their guilt and suppressing their emotions have left them afraid of being honest. To be honest is to be vulnerable. What if your feelings are rejected? What if your partner harshly judges and withdraws? Emotionally disrobing in front of another person is more frightening than physically disrobing, yet more necessary for great sex at midlife.

That kind of intimacy will seem less fearful to you if you learn the following.

Here are four ways to master mid-life intimacy fears:

1. Comfort yourself. Don't make your life harder than it needs to be. Rather than waiting for your partner or someone else to notice you need a break, take it. "Comfort" doesn't mean bingeing on food, drink or another substance, but finding ways of helping yourself feel calmer, quieter, soothed.

2. Stop taking your partner's behavior personally. A partner's tension, anger or sadness may have nothing or little to do with you, and you aren't responsible for solving all the problems. And don't assume his or her unhappiness or frustration is signaling, "No lovemaking tonight, dear." Admittedly it's difficult not to take a partner's angry, defensive or sullen behavior as a form of rejection. A good strategy is to try talking the issue out. But, so that you avoid "catching" the negative mood, keep telling yourself: This isn't about me. I didn't cause it; and I'm not responsible for fixing it.

3. Turn off your own negative thoughts that inhibit sexuality. You may be angry about something that happened at work or unhappy with your body following a weight gain. Those negative thoughts make you too angry or uptight to be loving. Your partner may be more accustomed to making assumptions - "reading" you, often incorrectly - then asking questions and may thus assume the negativity is a "keep-away" sign rather than asking, "What's really bothering you?"

4. Use your vulnerability to be a better lover. At midlife, we may be more comfortable with our own vulnerability and can therefore be more understanding of, and comfortable with, a partner's insecurity and doubt. Expose rather than protect yourself emotionally. This openness will allow you to touch your partner in a more intimate way.