March 6, 2008
By Celia Rivenbark
Duh-hubby's New Year's resolution was to grow a beard and, so far, so good. It's going to be a full beard, not a "soul patch" or a goatee or that five o'clock shadow thing that only Patrick Dempsey and Matthew McConaughey can really pull off.
One thing that I've noticed is that when a man grows a beard, he shouldn't be surprised that some women want to touch it. There's nothing sexual about the touch; it's the same personal-space invasion that makes people perfectly comfortable with patting the stomach of a pregnant woman they've never met.
Duh-hubby spends many minutes a day grooming his new facial fur and applying various emollients to make it softer and more touchable. They work, too. His beard is as soft and supple as the fur on those spooky taxidermied looking cats-in-baskets that are sold at finer Cracker Barrels around the country.
When a man grows a beard, absolutely everyone feels the need to comment on it.
Most people will say a man's new facial fuzz reminds them of someone. The fervent hope of the newly bearded is that it's more Jake Gyllenhall and less, well, Michael Moore. Reactions could include:
His mama: "Oh, son, you look just like Jesus himself with that beard."
His mama-in-law: "Osama bin Ladin."
His boss: "The guy with the cardboard 'Will work for weed' sign down on the corner."
The car salesman: "Oh, Jesus, definitely Jesus. With a little Abraham Lincoln thrown in. Sir."
The grocery store clerk: "Dinty Moore or maybe the Brawny towel guy."
His father-in-law: "Castro. Definitely Castro. I mean before it went gray. Hey! Don't buy a car from that guy who said you looked like Jesus. He knows you look like Castro; he's just trying to get your business. Don't be a meathead."
His wife: "Tom Hanks in 'Castaway' right when he lost his mind and started yakking with a volleyball. At least I think it was a volleyball. It might've been a soccer ball. It was, like, some kind of sports thing and he made a face on it with his own blood. Oh, wait. Maybe it was fish blood. Ohmigod, can you believe Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant?"
I don't think her boyfriend has a beard. He's so young he's got puppy breath.
Speaking of beards, I read somewhere that Zac Efron has a beard and her name is Vanessa Hudgens! Ha! I know that's a different kind of a beard but, hey, did you take the garbage out tonight? No? Who do you think you are? You're kidding. No, only your mother thinks that. OK. And the car salesman.
Comments
carolee44 (anonymous) says...
Beards are a personal matter...Some men look ravishing in them..and others not so great..Some of them are just yummy...So it is a personal matter...carol stanley author of For Kids 59.99 and Over
August 23, 2008 at 9:28 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
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