April 26, 2007
Recently, I have thought, I’m too old to … It started one day two summers ago. I was watching my grandson Dylan (now 10) who was playing with one of his uncles, Jeremy. Dylan was being introduced to a family tradition. You jump off the diving board and try to splash the lifeguard. Jeremy (father of two) had spent the day at the swimming pool in Lawrence. He had poured water on his older sister Gina (mother of three) who was sunbathing who chased him all over the deck. He had argued with the lifeguard over wearing a shirt in the pool, and he had dunked his younger brothers until the lifeguard blew his whistle.
I checked out the lifeguard by the diving board. Fortunately, we knew this lifeguard. So he probably wouldn’t be too mad at getting soaked by Jeremy or Dylan. I thought how much fun it would be to splash Gina. It was kind of a cold day. Gina had screamed really loud the first time, and I died laughing.
I glanced over at Gina. She was almost asleep. I saw the pail, sitting there. Now is my chance, I thought. Pour the water on Gina and run over to the grass.
Then it dawned on me: I am too old to soak Gina or splash the lifeguard. I am too old. This was a great shock.
I mean, I do realize that when I watch the 4th of July parade that I am too old to rush into the street and fight for the candy that people throw from the floats, unless they throw Tootsie Rolls.
I realize that driving through town and honking my horn when KU made it to the Final Four might be right on the edge of unacceptable. I did wear a hat and put dirt on my license plate.
But the list of things I’m too old to do seems to be growing … wearing a “Boogie till You Puke” T-shirt (even if I could find it), singing in the car, even when the windows are closed. I may have to stop “bumping” with Dylan. Bumping is playing really, really loud music when you are driving with the windows down. You can get a ticket, especially downtown. So, okay, I am too old for that and the ticket would be hard to explain to Bob.
I admit I do have a history of some immaturity. A story that my kids tell on me is that I once encouraged Jeremy (14, it didn’t take much encouragement) to squirt (with one of the many, many squirt guns I’ve purchased for myself and others) a girl on the back of a motorcycle. In my defense, it was a very hot day and I never dreamed she’d figure out it was us.
The result of my very, very poor judgment was that the motorcyclist (with the girl’s direction) chased our station wagon all through Lexington. I even rolled down the back window and yelled, “Hey, it was just a kid.”
I told Jeremy to hide the squirt gun in the glove compartment. My goal was to reach a police station. I had to stay cool and tell Jeremy that the thug on the motorcycle would give up following us or we’d get to a police station. Luckily, the motorcyclist left because I had no idea where the closest police station was.
For more than 20 years I denied the fact that I had encouraged Jeremy. Then finally last year I decided that I was too old not to admit my mistake.
So now I practice and say to myself, “Before you do that, ask yourself: Am I too old to do this?”
I ask myself: Am I too old to crawl under a locked public toilet? Am I too old to go into the men’s restroom when the women’s is crowded and the men’s is empty? Recently I went in and my brother-in-law David watched the door. The bad part is just walking out the door and into a man who wants to enter.
Last summer I decided that I am too old to go to the grocery store in a wet bathing suit with just a t-shirt. I still wear the wet bathing suit, with a wet dress over it. You have to strike a balance between convenience, possible embarrassment when you see someone you know, and hey, it’s just the Dillons near the university, what do people expect?
Obviously summer is the biggest challenge for me. I think heat excuses a lot. I know I’m too old to jump into fountains of all kinds, and especially too old to add some kind of washing detergent or soap suds to fountains, making them all bubbly and sudsy. I know I can no longer push adults or kids into swimming pools, especially when they are wearing their clothes. I know I should not get excited about legal fireworks put in various containers to see what will happen. I try to act very annoyed about the 4th of July.
I have learned not to kid around too much or tell big stories. But still being too old to do this or that gets annoying. Several days ago I walked the line. I get pretty excited about modern technology. My sister Colleen (older than me, ha!) showed me these cool birthday cards that play songs, mostly rock and roll. I opened these cards and started just a slight dancing motion. Abruptly I realized I’m too old and quit, recovering quickly.
Summer is on its way, so I’ve started practicing the “am I too old for this?” test. But before summer I have this great idea of how to trick my husband into admitting that he actually “appreciates” our dog Cassie. I thought that I’d clear out all of the newspaper under the bed so Cassie could sleep there without making noise. Then I’d get my friend Susanne to knock on the back door at about midnight and Cassie would bark a lot, showing what a great watch dog she is. Then Bob would admit that Cassie wasn’t totally useless. Better yet, maybe Dylan will have some good ideas for fun this summer.
Comments
dwightschrute (anonymous) says...
Leah,
I, too, have a test. Whenever I’m about to do something, I think “would an idiot do that?” and if they would, I do not do that thing.
Dwight K. Schrute
P.S. You know that line on top of the shrimp? That’s feces.
April 26, 2007 at 10:50 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Post a comment
Commenting requires registration.