BoomerGirl Diary

I’ve been thinking about all the summer vacations and family trips of the past 25 years or so. Every minute of the family trips have been extremely pleasant.

Just joking.

I have developed some tips for traveling with children of all ages, based on my varied experiences. Maybe these tips will help other people weather their future family vacations.

Tip 1: Always carry reinforced barf bags or a bucket. On one memorable beach trip from Kentucky to North Carolina, we had just stopped at McDonald’s somewhere in West Virginia. Karintha, who was 8, said, “Dad, I don’t feel so well.”

Bob began swerving towards an exit, but alas it was too late. Unfortunately, Karintha had eaten well at McDonald’s. The result was impressive. She lost her lunch all over pillows, blankets, and unfortunately she filled up Robin’s prized Nikes. Why do you take your shoes off in the car anyway? If you’ve ever been in this situation, you know that when someone pukes everybody starts screaming and diving away. This meant that five kids were screaming, trying desperately to jump into the back-back, the third seat of the station wagon.

Meanwhile, Bob yells, “Everybody stop screaming. I’m going to have a wreck. What happened to seatbelts?” Under his breath Bob whispers to me, “I’m going to puke. I’m pulling over. Throw everything away, including Robin’s shoes.”

By this time Robin is bemoaning the loss of her shoes. I’m promising replacement. Everybody is mad at Karintha who should have “waited a few minutes.” She is finally finished vomiting and exhausted.

Tip 2: Never believe that kids about the same age can play together in the car.

I can’t tell you how many times we all fell for Matthew and Langston’s claims that they wanted to sit next to each other to play. Between ages 5—16 it was always the same result: fist fights. Matthew and Langston, twins, carried separate bags of figures, Transformers, books and treats. The play would begin. We could all hear the narration of colossal battles between figures or transformers. Then the tell-tale words, “Hey, that hurt. He can’t do that.”

“Stop it.”

Suddenly they were all over each other, wrestling and tumbling around. Usually they bumped into one of their sisters or brothers, who began yelling, “Cut it out …”

Bob would say, “I’m not stopping. We’ll never get there. We’ve only been on the road for 15 minutes. Do something.”

Usually I would hurl myself from front seat to back seat. This meant that one of the kids would then climb to the front seat. Poor Bob was usually kicked in the head twice, once by me and once by Gina, who was always happy to move up front.

Then I would sit between Matthew and Langston until the next fight between other siblings. The ultimate solution (for second-time infractions) was sitting in the front seat between Bob and me. This was considered the most boring and humiliating spot. It usually lasted until the next rest stop, when invariably that person needed to use the restroom and then begged for mercy.

Tip 3: Always carry plenty of batteries and extra headphones. With six kids we had various tape recorders and Walkmen. Sometimes two people would share a tape recorder and listen to the same story. Occasionally one machine would wear out, so the entire family would have to listen to a story tape for many miles. I remember that Matthew and Langston liked “Old Yeller” while Karintha, Robin and Gina liked “Bridge to Taribithia.” Jeremy would waffle. There would be some terrific fights and arguments over whose turn it was and how many times we would all have to listen to Old Yeller. Then there was always a contingent that didn’t want to hear the end of Old Yeller when he dies. So that particular kid would grab the tape recorder and then there was a ruckus. Sometimes I wasn’t sure where I was sitting. I’d be moving from front to middle seat to back-back every half hour.

I’d say to Bob, “Why do you always get to drive?”

“Because I’d go crazy otherwise. Anyhow, I can’t be diving over the seats, especially not as quickly as you.”

Tip 4: Make sure the air conditioner is in working order. We have even been on disastrous short trips with a broken air conditioner. One memorable trip was between Lexington and Richmond, Ky., a mere 20 miles or so. This trip involved a baby, Zach. The air conditioner had quit. We were prepared with water bottles and pop. Zach had an iced baby bottle. He finished the bottle and then threw it out the window. Nobody really noticed until he finished another one and threw that out the window. Then he threw his brother’s ball cap out the window. Matthew started screaming and I pulled over to look for the ball cap. Matthew was sure that he’d be kicked off the baseball team just because of his mean brother.

Tip 5: Rock, paper, scissors is not a good car game. This simple game requires that two or three people say, “One, two, three.” Then each person chooses rock (hand in a fist), scissors (two fingers up) or paper (flat hand). Rock breaks scissors; scissors cuts paper; and paper covers rock. In order to do these actions, you get to take a hit (usually two fingered) at the person you “beat.” You can keep track of “wins” or just continue mindlessly to try to outguess your opponents. Three kids always want to play this game. It starts off nice enough. Then suddenly, “You hit me too hard. That’s not fair.”

“You started it. I thought we agreed not to hit hard …”

This soon escalates into a free-for-all, usually involving all the kids. Kids hates being jostled around when two people are fighting, so they usually join in.

Tip 6: My Father Owns a Grocery Store and The First Thing He Sold, followed by initials of the item is not for the faint hearted and should probably be avoided. This game starts well, usually kids stick to edible or non-edible items for at least 50 miles. Then the game deteriorates. Jeremy, who usually got along well with his own Walkman, often contributed some great initials like F.B.W: "fried, bloody worms" or G.D.A: "greasy, dead ants." It only gets worse and worse.

Bob would usually say, “Who started this game? ... Can’t you guys find a tape?”

Even arguments over the tape would seem better than mile after mile of creative, gross items sold at my father’s grocery store.

Tip 7: Kids between ages 10-16 are sometimes worse than their younger, diapered counterparts. Watch out! Bob and I have been caught by surprise by the antics of the preteen and teens. Imagine you are in a public place, perhaps a museum. Arna, age 9, decides that he is mad at his older brother Zach or his dad. So he decides to run away and hide as he watches his panicked family search for him. Or Bob warns his family to protect their passports and money every minute in Italy. So Arna and Zach pick Bob’s pocket nearly every day. Bob realizes that his wallet or passport is missing. He’s dumbfounded and begins worrying and searching all around.

“Dad, you need to be careful … We got him again, Arna.” Then they laugh uproariously. Bob and I rant and rave only to suffer the same fate the next day.

Tip 8: Be careful not to misplace a child in the airport. Once all of us were gathered at the gate to catch a plane for a trip to Boulder, Colo., to visit Bob’s parents at Christmas. They called our flight and we all got in line. Bob stood at the back, making sure all the kids were there.

“Where’s Robin? She was just here a second ago.” Who worried about Robin? She was 16 or 17 years old.

“Everybody get on and I’ll check the bathroom.” I went into the women’s restroom and there was Robin, calmly putting baby powder in her hair to “keep it from getting greasy.”

Another time Bob was walking between Matthew and Langston, intent on finding our gate in Oklahoma City. Suddenly he realized only Langston was with him. We all continued to the gate and Bob backtracked a little. Then he saw Matthew walking with a security guard. He had stopped to play a video game on the way to the gate.

Tip 9: Check out your vacation spot very thoroughly. One year Bob, Zach (7), Arna (3) and I took off for the Gulf Shores in Alabama for spring break. We were staying at a very reasonable state park cabin there. I found out why it was so “reasonable.” Even though it was late March, the temperature never went higher than 70 degrees. Besides that, when we got to the cabin there was a special sign: “Be sure to watch your children. Alligators may come to shore and take them.”

Tip 10: Try to plan every year like you’ve never taken a trip together before. Throw out the stereotypes. Just because Karintha puked one year does not mean that she’ll puke again. So somebody has to sit next to her. “Old Yeller” was no longer popular with anybody. There will always be new events, new taunts, and new games.

Tip 11: Enjoy yourselves, even along the way. We all laugh when we think of airplane flights where Zach was passed around from brother to brother, sister to sister, finally to be rudely returned to his parents. We think of the kites in North Carolina, the caves in Kentucky, the Cherokee play near Ten Killer, Okla., and wild waves in South Carolina. We all laugh at the surprises at each place, sometimes fun and sometimes a pain.

Tip 12: Remember that the vacation will end. As Bob says every year, “Peace, at last.”