January 11, 2008
In Ireland, our daily newspaper, “The Belfast Telegraph,” was delivered in the evening. The first thing my mother did was look at the Death Notices This caused us children great amusement.
“Mammy, why do you want to read about dead people?” we would ask.
“Well, I need to know if I need to go to a wake,” she would reply. “I wouldn’t want to miss the wake of somebody I knew.”
If someone in our city died during the day, their death notice and details of the wake and funeral would appear in the evening paper. The wake was held immediately and the funeral would often be the next day, or, with a delay, two days later. So reading the Death Notices was important business for my mother, but a source of amusement to us; we thought it was something “old people did.”
Today, my mother would be in fashion and she would have masses of notices to read — except they would now be called Obituaries. Obituary sites are springing up all over the web, Obit writing groups are becoming very popular, and there’s an International Association of Obituarists. Its founder, Carolyn Gilbert, says, “There is more openness about end-of-life issues. People no longer hide from death. It’s something you can talk about.”
Krishina Andavolu, managing director of the fairly recently launched Obit magazine, promises “bigger and better obituaries.” He believes that the baby boomers, America’s most educated and affluent generation, aren’t afraid to confront something that at one time was taboo (referring to death.) The things we are getting blamed for.
I decided to take a look at a selection of these now-in-fashion obituaries to see how they were confronting the taboo of death. Very few of them are about death. In most cases, death is referred to, rather obliquely, in one sentence, and the remainder tells the story of the person’s life. I suppose, technically, the obituary is the condensed story-version of your life after you’re dead. I understand that growing Obit groups around the country spend their time writing personal obituaries; writing the version of the life they want to be remembered for.
I suppose, in some way, these groups are a bit like being at your own wake. The difference is that your wake is an opportunity for the community to tell the story of your life, while the purpose of the self-obit group is to summarize your life according to you.
In Ireland, the wake is a great social occasion. When I spent my holidays in Donegal, dying and death was a simple enough business. The person died, and the appointed person from the community was called immediately to wash the body and lay out the corpse. This person was often the local midwife who was called for the birthing process. The body was laid out on the bed, and the community gathered to pray and tell the stories — good and bad, about the dead person. Death did not make everyone into a saint.
Food and drinks were present in abundance; everyone who came to the house brought something, much like a pot-luck today. As a child, I loved to hear the stories beginning with; “Do you all remember the time when…..”
Every hour, when the clock struck, the house would go quiet and prayers would be intoned for “the happy repose of our dearly departed.” This did not excuse one from going directly to see the corpse as soon as they arrived and praying privately. Community and private grief, laughter and tears, intermingled in natural rhythm. The sadness of those left behind was not diminished, but the circle of life encompassed death as a natural sequence. We acknowledged, even if tacitly, that Death would one day visit each of us, and it would not always wait until we’d reached “old age.” That was confronting death.
I suppose an Obit group could serve the purpose of making us confront our own death and think more about our lives in its light, rather than trying to avoid it or hide under its shadow? Preparing an obituary in advance could help us reflect on the value of our lives, and perhaps look at the things we would still like to do before others try to sum our existence up in twenty or thirty lines.
Do you think Boomers are good at confronting death in America?
Do you think an Obit group would be fun or dead boring?
Comments
amazonratz (anonymous) says...
Thought provoking, Eileen! I think America "does death" quite poorly, mostly out of a sense of denial that it will ever happen to us personally. We are kept at a distance--no home funerals for us, by and large. I hope this will change.
Writing one's own obit has been used in therapy circles for quite some time, both as a vehicle to help patients confront their mortality, and take a long view of their life--the obit can be written as reality exists, or how you hope your obit will look, which can serve as a wake-up call to things you need to get moving on, depending on your age. I think it is quite fascinating.
I love old-fashioned obits. So flowery and encompassing. You really get a sense of the person's self, not just their accomplishments.
It might be interesting to start a page where folks can write their own and post them. or to get one of those kick-ass obit writers that really tell a story to give us all a little online class. Thanks! karen
January 11, 2008 at 6:45 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
patmcq (anonymous) says...
It's not that we can't or won't write the obits: blame paper policies and their charges.
Four weeks ago as my mother lay dying, I wrote my mom's obituary as I sat by her bedside. As macabre as that may sound, being there with her and having a reason to reflect on her life was really quite comforting, and it yielded a fairly readable obituary. Which our local paper butchered--and then billed me! More interested in graph length than accuracy, our local paper obit hack moved around names so that wives were placed with the wrong grandsons and all flavor and texture was eliminated.
Our former community printed the text as submitted but left out the picture--and then billed me for the inches!
My solution: I went to the web and sent the links to the people we wanted to read the real thing.
January 11, 2008 at 1:03 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
eroddy (eroddy) says...
I am sorry to hear of your mother's death, patmcq. I can understand how writing your mother's obituary during her dying process was comforting to you.
I think newspapers need to decide whether they want to print "death notices" or "obituaries." I would have thought simple death notices should be free of charge, since they are a service to the community. If people write and pay for an obituary they should be printed without serious editing. I would like my obituary to say less about the things i've done and more about the kind of person I am/was.
I like the 'tribute" section here on the Boomergirl website; maybe we need to start a "here's what I would like my obit. tolook like" section?
January 11, 2008 at 10:27 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Girlwoman (anonymous) says...
My dad has already written his obit. I have a copy of it in my file. I guess he didn't trust his heirs.
January 27, 2008 at 9:43 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
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