July 23, 2008
The Internet has taught me many wondrous things about myself. For starters, I’m a complete gossip whore, a junky addicted to diet, fashion, health, sex and entertainment-related hearsay. Celebrity rumors, wacky weight loss theories and ancient aphrodisiacs are just a few of my personal favorites. I say bring it on. Show me whatcha got. I’m not proud. I’ll read it.
Hours go by and there I linger, a puppy licking at the hands of whatever the Internet has to offer. I’m grateful for its crumbs of insight and oodles of suspicious updates. I get to decide what’s bogus or not. I’m the style guru here. I sit in judgment of all glorious fashion mishaps and private disasters of the famous. I find it all so empowering, I can hardly contain myself.
While this constant stream of maddening bulletins keeps me giddy, it’s not enough of a buzz to sustain me. No, the head rush I’m looking for comes from the reckless fun of ordering stuff… any stuff, I don’t care how dumb. Impulsive online shopping still feels fresh and exhilarating, no matter how many times I indulge.
Oh, I just love it. I love it so much, I have to reign myself in or I might buy something I actually need.
One click and a book I’ll eventually get around to reading magically makes its way to my door. So what if I could get in my car and go down the street to Borders and get the very same book pronto. That’s not the point. I’m not just in it for the convenience. I like the sense of adventure I get online. It brings out the gambler in me. As I punch in my credit card, the possibility that someone evil might steal it right out from under me and make some outlandish purchase… like a lifetime supply of black-market Boniva… keeps my adrenaline pumping.
I’m taking a big risk believing all those security declarations that my card is actually safe. What if it isn’t? There’s only one way to find out. Click.
Of course, identity theft isn’t the only issue. Sometimes I’m faced with a time-sucking tease that doesn’t deliver satisfaction. Websites have mental meltdowns just like people. They cry out for help. Or, more often than not, they say, “Enough!” They take all that vital information, the email address, the credit card, the shoe size of a distant Russian ancestor, and then for no apparent reason, spit it back out into oblivion. You’re almost at the finish line when you’re commanded to, “Start Over.”
There are those who oblige and begin anew. There are others who throw a tantrum and give up. My reaction falls somewhere in between. I break out the expletives. I go temporarily ape-#@&*. I take a deep breath and then, much as it pains me, I do as I’m told. I suck it up. I start over. It builds character and strong bones.
The other day, I discovered that starting over online can be an open-ended pursuit. The movie ticket website I visited told me to start over approximately 83 times. Did I run from the challenge? Did I crack? No, I did not. I hung in there. I wasn’t about to let some otherworldly force get the best of me. It’s one thing if you’re standing in line at a box office and can direct your venom at a human in a glass booth. On the Internet, no one can hear you scream until the video lands on You Tube.
All I wanted was a matinee ticket to “‘Mamma Mia!” It took me 45 minutes to accomplish my humble mission. In that time, I could’ve driven to the theater, parked, gone up the escalator, bought myself a ticket, looked around Urban Home, bought an iced coffee, driven home, watered my plants and started dinner.
And yet, despite significant obstacles – the frenzy over “The Dark Knight” didn’t help – I kept at it. Every time I clicked on Arclight Sherman Oaks at 2:05, it switched to Arclight Hollywood at 2:30. A ticket in Sherman Oaks cost $11.50. Click. It became $12 in Hollywood. Every time I picked a seat in Sherman Oaks, I got one in Hollywood.
Were the gods telling me not to see “Mamma Mia!” in Sherman Oaks? To schlep myself to Hollywood instead? It all seemed so random. So cruel. My brain started to hurt. In the end, my persistence paid off. I got my ticket. And I went to see “Mamma Mia!” And I loved every ridiculous, over-the-top moment. I bopped my head. I clapped. I laughed. I sang along to ABBA songs that under normal circumstances, I absolutely detest:
I've been cheated by you since I don't know when So I made up my mind, it must come to an end Look at me now, will I ever learn, I don't know how But I suddenly lose control, there's a fire within my soul Just one look and I can hear a bell ring One more look and I forget everything Mamma Mia, here I go again, my my, how can I resist you?
Coming out of Meryl Streep’s mouth, those lyrics became poetry. If I’d surrendered, I would’ve missed the ultimate escapist opportunity. I’m so glad I didn’t cave. I only hope next time I go to buy a movie ticket online, the gods are just a little bit kinder.
Comments
karensp69 (anonymous) says...
Mamma Mia is a great movie, my partner and I saw it twice consecutively. It's refreshing. He has the Abba DVD. After a week of the heat and with little money for a beach get away, I spent the day buying snacks and preparing my beach getaway. Where you ask? In my livingroom. His only note in his lunchbox was to come home to the sandy beaches away from the heat. He wondered where the sand would come from? Well, I bought little umbrellas and made a strawberry, lo-cal smoothie to hand to him when he walked in the door. I spread a sheet on the floor. I put on my sarong and greeted him with Abba songs to our beach getaway. Only one rule, no phones, no TV, no outside interruptions. There on the floor were photos of every size from beaches we have visited, shells, coconut, rocks, and starfish we have collected from the beaches. Flowers and a plate of cheese and crackers(I made a delicious light Shrimp Penne for dinner). Then as we rocked the night away to Abba, our ailing mothers, our adult children, stress from the outside world all went away.It was wonderful and worth the effort.No, it didn't cost gas, or plane fair, but I couldn't have had a more wonderful evening anywhere else or felt so relaxed. Oh by the way, all those Saturday errands we always run today were not done, we are continuing our relaxing vacation with very little interruptions. In fact, tomorrow after church, we plan to continue. Maybe when we go back to life on Monday we will have felt more rested than the past year or any vacation we have taken thus far. I highly recommend it. The only reason I'm typing this very fast, is that perhaps one of you can still salvage a few hours in your beach getaway weekend!
August 2, 2008 at 4:11 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Post a comment
Commenting requires registration.